Jon and Kate Plus ?Hate?

Not the most flattering pic, but I haven’t posted a belly pic in a long time so…I got over it.

Still seem to be having a lot of contractions. I timed them for awhile today and it seemed to be an average of four an hour all day while I am at work and then they slowly taper off once I get home and rest. I can’t imagine why I am having so many at work, my work is not difficult and I LOVE it. There is the stress of the crazy temp, but that’s not really that bad - more amusing actually.

I’m going to time them in more detail tomorrow (I didn’t start today until very late in the afternoon) and see how it goes. I *really* hope I don’t end up getting pulled off work again, the temp really would get my job. Of course I will do it in a heart beat and never look back if that is what my babies need…but I can’t say it wouldn’t irritate me just a little.

On a different note; I spent a lot of my bed rest time watching Jon and Kate Plus 8. Hubby hates the show because he can’t stand Kate and I have to admit she always sort of rubbed me the wrong way too - so watching the show sort of became about critiquing her as much as it was about enjoying the cute little kids. Anyhow, I came across this today. I felt strange even reading it…but it was like crack and I couldn’t stop! I wonder if it’s real?

Protected: First Day Back

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I Dedicate This Song…

… to Evelynn and Lennon.

Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now

Some Good News and Some…

Well…I’m not sure how to take it. I’m taking it as good news, actually…but you may find that sort of strange.

The scoop is this: At my appointment today we found out that I do not, in fact, have a yeast infection - I have a bacterial infection. Bacterial infections are really scary during pregnancy because they are linked to preterm labor and premature rupture of membranes (PROM), two of the things I have been obsessing over. When I called Hubby to tell him the news he was shocked that I wasn’t hysterical. What’s strange is that I actually feel better!

I wasn’t crazy after all, it was just intuition.

Now that I have an explanation for the panic I was feeling  I feel MUCH better. I don’t know how long it will last before I am back to being a complete freak, but at least I have found some peace for today.

The doctor gave me four huge pills to take all at once which he said should cure it. He is also doing a culture to make sure that that was ALL that was going on, and I am to go back in two weeks to make sure that it has been knocked out completely.

Of course I asked him to check my cervix, which he said was still tightly closed.

I also did not have to ask for more appointments should I need them in the meantime because the doctor specifically told me not to hesitate if I had any concerns/strange feelings/etc.

Oh, and I get to go back to work! I am actually REALLY excited about this. I *love* my job, and I had only just started in a new position and I can’t wait to get back to learning the ropes. I go back on Monday.

My mom thinks that I should stay off work for the rest of the pregnancy - which would be nice in a perfect world - but I honestly think that going back to work is the best possible thing for me right now. It will leave me less time to obsess…and Hubby and I will have a LOT more money. Not enough to move out (well, it would be, except that I still have ACTUAL maternity leave coming up) - but it will be plenty to buy all of the cute baby crap that we want. Mmmm, and perhaps a handful of prenatal massages. =)

Besides that, if I am working (doing something I love) I am not going to have nearly as much time to surf the internet and scare the crap out of myself. Like this: (click me)

Besides, anything that can keep me occupied for the next three and a half weeks (and keep me and my mom from having to spend any “quality time” during which we might do one another bodily harm) is a fantastic idea in my book.

Almost forgot - last night the babies progressed from “flutters” to actual KICKS for the first time, and they must have been pretty damn proud of themselves, because I swear it was party time in LaLa’s uterus ALLLLLL night long. Guess who got NO sleep last night? Guess who loved every ridiculous minute of it?

This is what I have become…

A crazed, annoying psycho.

I have been feeling all sorts of soreness and pressure down below the past two days (all perfectly normal, I’m sure) but I’m such a wreck that I called my Doc and asked for an appointment tomorrow morning. I told them that I think that I have a yeast infection, but am not sure, and that I don’t want to use the medication unless I really have to. That part is actually true. But what I really want is a cervix check.

How sick am I?

I am so weak. Maybe I should start going to therapy? No seriously. My anxiety level is ridiculous and nothing I do seems to help. I can’t distract myself, I obsess all day, every day. This can’t be healthy and I can’t stop myself.

I know what is going on, but that doesn’t make it any better.

The main problem is that I have experienced quite a bit of loss during this pregnancy already. First my Granie passing (we were VERY close), then losing our triplet. Then there is the fact that this whole pregnancy up until recently was anything but text book…And the biggest factor (in my opinion) is the fact that this is IT for Hubby and I. Lennon and Evelynn are pretty much our ONLY chance to be biological parents. We financed our butts off to make this happen and even IF we were somehow able to manage that again (doubtful) I don’t know if I could. If I lose these babies I just don’t know if I could try again and besides that, the OHSS was so bad I don’t know if I could go through that agian either (I literally thought I was going to die).

Ok, I’m just psycho.

So tomorrow morning at my appointment I am going to ask my doctor for weekly cervix checks until after the 24 week mark. I am really embarrassed that it has come to this, but I don’t think I will ever relax if I don’t do it.

I’m so dissapointed in myself. Why can’t I just relax? Why can’t I just have some faith? Why do I have to be such a freak? Ugggghhh.

I hope I can scrape together some sanity soon. =(

Starting to Lose It

I knew that hitting the 20 week mark was going to be hard for me, but I was hoping that I would handle it better than I am. I am a basket case. I should have known.

It seems as though everywhere I turn people are losing babies between the 20-24 week mark. I have had several friends and co workers lose babies during this time (two due to infection, one due to an incompetent cervix). There are also stories at every turn on the blogosphere and on TV….

It just stinks that there is no way to to know, no way to be sure, nothing to do but sit and wait and hope.

There are no guarantees, no rhyme or reason to who gets to take home healthy babies and who doesn’t…

I am *so* not good at this.

Today I am doing alright, but yesterday I was so overwhelmed that I felt like saying “eff it” and just trying not to think about the fact that I am pregnant at all for the next four weeks. I don’t know how to handle this kind of stress…I’m a wreck.

On one hand I really want to go back to work because I think that it will be a nice distraction (plus I am BORED out of my mind, we could use the money, AND they are letting another girl from our office fill in for me while I am out and she is getting WAAAAY too into it which is creeping me out…but that’s a post for another day).

On the other hand I don’t know if that would make me worry more or not. I would suspect not, unless we started having more drama again and I couldn’t go back off work if I needed to.

Things still seem to be good though. I’m getting big, but not as big as I expected (I’ll have Hubby take a 20 week pic for me tonight). I am feeling pretty good too, the pelvic pain is better at the moment. I think I am having braxton hicks…but it’s hard to tell. Sometimes I feel as though my stomach is tightening up, but then it will not feel very hard to the touch. ::shrug::

Anyone know how to tell when I am having them? My stomach feels sort of hard ALL the time…

I am also still not feeling the babies move a lot. I feel flutters and squirms every day…but rarely more than a few a day and rarely do I feel them all day.

I do think I am finally starting to gain weight though! lol I’ve finally got an appetite. I can’t believe it took 20 weeks for my appetite to come back. I’ve only gained about 11lbs so far, which is about 9 shy of what the pregnancy books say I should have by now with twins…but maybe the 5 lbs I was over weight before I got pregnant can be counted towards my overall goal?

Ok. Enough psychotic ramblings for now. Any advic on surviving the next few weeks with my sanity (and babies) in tact would be GREATLY appreciated.

Woot!

I get to go back to work!

Ok, not yet…and not for sure…but it’s on the table!

At my appointment on Friday the doc said that he wants me off bed rest now and if I do really well for three weeks that he will consider sending me back to work. Actually, he said that if I call him in a week or two and want to go back even sooner that he might let me. I’m *so* excited. I love my job, I miss my friends…and now that I’m feeling good it’s REALLY boring staying at home.

Everyone please keep your fingers crossed for us that nothing “dramatic” happens during the next four and a half weeks. That’s a  tall order for my girls…I know!

But, I’ve been cruising around (read: shopping) all day yesterday and so far I feel great so…Hopefully it stays that way.

I sort of wish that I could either go back now (at 20 weeks) or wait until after 24 weeks…going back in between scares me…but then again EVERYTHING scares me right now. I told the doctor about my fears of having an incompetent cervix and he said that he understand that it is scary, but that there is nothing that can be done to prevent it unless I already have a history of loss or if they happen to notice somethingon an ultrasound (which they haven’t). He did say that I am already the size of a 25-28 week singleton pregnancy which makes me feel better in a way (I don’t know why it does, but it does). When I do call to ask to go back to work I will also ask for weekly appointments until after 24 weeks, just because it will keep me more sane. I don’t think it will surprise my doctor at all - every time I go in he teases me about being a worry wart. He even mentioned that he’s not sure about sending me back to work at all because he’s afraid that it will just throw me into a panic. Come on, give me some credit! At least it would be a distraction…

Speaking of ultrasounds, I also asked the doctor a ton of questions about the girl’s development and he said that everything is exactly where it is supposed to be, no anomalies, and they are growing well. Lennon is head down in my pelvis now (hence all the pain) and is measuring 18 weeks 6 days and Evelyn is on top (making a “T” shape) and measuring 19 weeks 1 day (the ultrasound was done at exactly 19 weeks).

I am *SO* ready to have an uneventful next few months of my pregnancy…this has been such a roller coaster ride! Hopefully I can make it through the next four weeks without having too many panic attacks and then these kids stay put and drama - free until November.

I don’t know what to say…

You guys are the best!

I’m sorry it has taken me so long to post again about this. I was really overwhelmed by how sweet and supportive everyone was about my last post, it literally left me speechless. Not for the first time I am feeling so blessed to have found such a wonderful and supportive group, and am wishing that I knew all of you IRL!

So thank you, thank you, thank you…your messages meant a lot to me and *really* helped me to get through a rotten day.

To specifically address some of the things brought up in the comments:

- Yes, I do think that a lot of my mother’s attitude stems from nerves and jealousy. My mother had a miscarriage before she got pregnant with me, then when into premature labor with me and delivered at 29 weeks. After she had me she was never able to have anymore children although she wanted them very badly. Hubby and I are are sort of afraid that she is going to try and act as though these children are her own, she has started that already in fact, but that’s a whole other post.

- Since that last post my mom has announced that she wants to throw me a baby shower after all, but she wants it close to my due date. I had to bite my tongue and not laugh. I guess it’s nice that she is now willing to try at all…sorta…Sometimes I think the worst part about my mom is that she never really addresses a problem. She just acts as though it never happened and goes on to do whatever she wants.

- Hubby and I would love to move, but the cost of living in in So Cal is SOOO high that even a studio would be around $800/$900…we just can’t swing that right now with utilities etc. If we absolutely HAD to we would work something out…but short of getting rid of our cars and selling our possessions I am not sure what.

- A few of you mentioned wanting to do a virtual baby shower…I don’t even know what to say…I was really, REALLY touched that people I have never met would be willing to do something like that for me. But as EXTREMELY grateful as I am, I simply can’t let you guys put yourselves out like that. However, I want you all to know that the offer means more to me than I could ever hope to fully express in type.  =)

Sorry to cut this short, but I have an early appointment in the AM. I do have a few pregnancy updates for you, so I’ll try to post tomorrow after the appt.

THANK YOU again!

Can someone please explain this to me? (long vent, sorry)

I knew that I was playing with fire when I agreed to move in with my parents for the time being, and believe me, it was my LAST option. I have worked very hard to be independent from a young age because my mother and I do not geta long AT ALL and I knew that I needed to be able to “fly on my own” at any moment. Anyhow, to admit that between being pregnant with triplets (at the time) and Hubby’s upcoming surgeries that we were going to need help was already a sucker punch.I was hoping that enough time had passed that things would be different - and actually until today things were pretty ok. I have walked in on my mom complaining about us twice now…but I expected that.

And then today: I am going to try to reconstruct this as best I remember it, but my head is a bit cloudy from sobbing for the past hour or so. Here goes…

I went out into the kitchen to find something to eat for lunch, Mom happened to be making something so I sat down at the table and made small talk for awhile…everyhting was fine. Then I noticed some ads and coupons for baby diapers on the table and I started looking through them and I mentioned that I would like to start stocking up on things for the babies because money is tight and you can never have too many things such as diapers, etc. She then mentioned (not for the first time) that I should save my money, that I had no place to stock pile things and that I shouldn’t buy anything until after the baby shower.

Fpor some reason as soon as I mentioned buying diapers, she went on the attack. Her whole face scrunched up and she just got MEAN. What the hell?

I then tried to explain that I don’t think that anyone is going to throw me a baby shower. She herself has avoided the topic like the plague and although several of my friends have offered, I feel guilty having them do it. I told her that I was thinking of having a birthday party for the babies after they are born instead. She stated that she would have a baby shower for me but that she thinks its rude for family members to throw them. I agreed that it was and said that I didn’t think anyone should have to do it for me, that I was fine with not having one. I would LOVE to have one, but I don’t want ot put anyone out, etc.

So, long story short - this whole thing escalated into a full scale argument and I have NO IDEA WHY. She says that if I don’t get my way I “throw darts” (try to make others feel guilty). Ok. I was a bit snotty about her telling me not to start stocking up on baby items. I don’t understand it, but its her house and if she doesn’t want me piling boxes of diapers in the corners, fine. I said as much. I guessI can see how she might constitute that as being snotty, but if she thought I was trying to be bitchy about the baby shower, I wasn’t. I honestly don’t want to put anyone out over it (her OR my friends) and since no one seems really excited about having one I’d rather forget the whole thing. NOT worth  an argument in my opinion.

This is how it always is with her. Sometimes she just picks fights and attacks me and I never can figure out why…its like she honestly just felt like having an argument? I sat there with her for the longest time trying to defuse the situation, but the more I tried to calm her the more angry and mean she got. Finally she told me to go away and I ended up hiding in my room, calling Hubby in tears.

So now I seriously feel like shit. Yes. My husband and I are living with my parents. Yes. I am 27 and he is 31 and we are about to have twins and we can’t freaking make it on our own right now. I feel horrible enough about that already! Are her comments about “Well, where would you put all that stuff anyway?” designed to make me feel even worse!?

All I know is that we tried for four years to have a family. We tried for four years before that to get Hubby on the transplant list. Now we have FINALLY made those things happen but I am having a complicated pregnancy and one of my babies has died. I have the degree, I have the good job (not GREAT, but decent) Hubby makes good money…but right now neither of us can work and its not our fault and we feel crappy as it is! Now all I want to do is make myself feel a little better and MAYBE try to convince myself that these other two babies aren’t going to die as well (cause not a moment goes by when I believe that they are actually going to make it) by being hopeful and buying some baby stuff and I can’t.

I have to get out of here. I just don’t know what I am going to do. Hubby could postpone his transplant, but that seems like a stupid idea after being on dialysis for 10 years. I could ignore my doctors recommendations and go back to work…but that is really not going to help me believe these babies are going to live…I’m open to suggestions.

On the Late Show

Where to begin?

First off, I am an IDIOT for ever backing down on seeing a specialist. I guess I thought that after losing the triplet that the whole pregnancy was going to go smoothly from there on out, but it didn’t (obviously). I wish that I had started asking about it again once we started having drama, but I guess I was just too miserable to even think about it - now that my head is starting to clear a bit I feel like a moron. I did a bit of research on the medical center that my OB was planning on sending me to before, and I am *really* interested. How cool does this sound? Blood tests to predict pre-term labor? Um, YES PLEASE!? So I have an appointment with my regular OB on Friday and although I am dreading discussing it with him (he is the best, SWEETEST doctor ever and I am terrified of offending him), I don’t think that I would be doing my best as a parent if I didn’t get this referral.

I also finally bit the bullet today and attempted to go and find some maternity bras (nursing bras actually, cause why buy twice?) that fit. Ha! Turns out that I am about a 38F or a 38 G…go ahead and try to find those sizes in nursing bras in ANY store - I dare you! D E P R E S S I N G. So, I guess I’ll be special ordering those suckers on the internet - the crappy thing about that is that I KNOW most of them are not going to be ones that I like. Argh. I am totally having a reduction once I am done breeding…these bastards on a 5 ft tall woman are just hideous anyway. LOL

I picked up a maternity support belt while I was out as well, but it sort of just feels like I am smashing the babies so I am not sure if I want to wear it or not until after I show it to my doctor on Friday. I bought it because the other doctor that I saw last week suggested it (along with soaking in baths and the swimming pool) because he suspected that a lot of the shooting pains that I have been having might be my pelvic bone separating. Hmmm. Yet another reason why I need to see the specialists, every doctor I see tells me something different!

Lastly, it finally hit me last night that I am pregnant. Yeah. After 5 months. This whole time I have been so caught up in being terrified every moment of everyday that I sort of refused to let it sink in….But last night was in the rest room at a restaurant and I felt one of the babies move while I was trying to pee. I was thinking about how strange it is that I am NEVER alone anymore - there are PEOPLE in there…TWO of them! And it finally hit me - we freakin did it. Holy crap. After 4 years of trying, IUIs, then IVF, etc and we FINALLY did it.

Now, don’t try to convince me that this is going to end in me actually getting to be a mommy; it doesn’t mean that I think we won’t either, but I am just far too paranoid to even stick one toe over that line for 5 more weeks (self preservation I suppose)…but at least we have come this far, and for an infertile that is pretty damn cool.