Moral Delima

7 Dec

Please read my last post before reading this one.

Go ahead.

I’ll wait.



Hubby and I have one frozen embryo from our IVF.


It has been on ice now for almost two years. They say that they shouldn’t be frozen for more than about three years or they have less of a chance of surviving.

Our plan had been to use the frozen embryo sometime soon, but since the great big miraculious surprise that is Nolan…I now have a huge moral delima on my hands. I do not want to have another baby for at least, at LEAST two years – and Hubby does not want any more children at all ever. He would accept (begrudgingly) another “surprise”…but he is 100% animate about not trying for any more children. And he has a valid point at the moment, we have a lot on our plate and we are poor! We didn’t used to be, but circumstances have changed and we are not in a good place right now. Of course, that will all hopefully turn around someday soon…but that’s where we stand at the moment. And on the cusp of a kidney transplant as well, BTW.

When we decided to go the IVF route we agreed that if we had more frozen embryos after the cycle than we could use that we would donate them. When we had one left, we decided that WE would use it. Now we’re just…stuck?

Personally, my decision would be to give the embryo a shot in a year or two. Sooner than I would like – not sure if we can even afford more children (or the ones we have for that matter – ha!). But that is the only thing that feels “right” to me. Giving embryos up for adoption would always be hard for me – but when it is just one, it makes me feel like the right thing to do would be to just give it a chance. Heck, the odds of it resulting in a pregnancy are not so great anyway! Right?

I feel like for just one embryo/child it is not worth me wondering about him/her for the rest of my life and him/her wondering about me. When I made the decision to donate if I had more than I could use…I never meant ONE embie. KWIM? I feel that even though it’s not ideal – my moral solution would be to go for it.

Even when we were prgnant with the triplets, I wanted to still use that last embie one day – Hubby did not.

I feel like we concieved four and so four should gat a chance.

Hubby feels the opposite. He feels that it would be selfless to give another family a chance. He does NOT want more children – ever.

I worry that no one would even want to adopt just a single embryo and that because Evelynn and Lennon both had heart defects and Lennon had craniosynostosis that the embryo would not even be a candidate for adoption. (I have sent out some emails to get more information about these issues.)

I honestly have to admit that the idea of giving away an Evelynn or a Lennon or a Nolan just kills me. I know its selfish, it’s VERY selfish…But it’s my blog and I can be honest. It doesn’t mean that that’s not the decision that will end up being made in the end, but it will eat at me for the rest of my life if I do. Perhaps that’s the price I have to pay for my three beautiful children…and it’s well worth it. And I want to help other couples, I REALLY do…but my children are so amazing…how could I ever have one I didn’t get to meet and love and spoil? I would love to be able to give that to someone else…I have BEEN in their shoes, and I know how much it hurts to not have a child when that is all you want in the world. But…::sigh::

And is it fair to the child? As I said, if I had three or four or more embies, then yeah…they would HAVE to be put up for adoption. I couldn’t provide for that many children. But I think I could provide for ONE more…so what is the correct answer in this situation? IS there even a right answer?


20 Responses to “Moral Delima”

  1. Miss Conception December 7, 2009 at 3:42 pm #

    As the recipient of donor embryos and the mother to two beautiful babies as a result, I wholeheartedly support the notion of embryo donation. That said, I can’t imagine the conflicted feelings that must be faced with regard to embryos on ice. I know our donor was very honest with us in explaining how bittersweet it was to know that we were bringing two babies to life that she conceived. It’s not an easy decision to make at all and there is a lot to consider. You have very thoughtfully talked about those considerations here. You are NOT selfish for not wanting to give away the embryo. It is more than understandable that you would feel conflicted.
    There is no one right answer. You have to do what is best for you and for your family.
    I think writing about it is a good thing. Getting your feelings out there can help make sense of what you want to do. Can you just leave the embryo decision for now? I wouldn’t worry too much about the length of time it has been frozen.
    I’m probably no help here, but I just wanted to lend my support in a difficult decision.
    Congratulations on your new son!

  2. Annonymous December 7, 2009 at 4:24 pm #

    I work at a fertility center. I have seen people wait over 5 years to do an FET cycle w/ a +HPT. You could also donate the embryo to science, which could benifit so many someday in the future. Good luck to you!

  3. Carrie December 7, 2009 at 4:26 pm #

    I say just wait. They suggest using it within three years, but that doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed NOT to work if it’s frozen longer.

    Hopefully in a few years your circumstances will have changed for the better… and perhaps your husband will change his mind as well.

  4. Laura December 7, 2009 at 4:48 pm #

    Totally with you on this one. We had twins in January and have four frozen embabies waiting for us. I know we cannot have four more children but the guilt….Plus, DH had a procedure shortly after we found out the IVF was successful which may allow for pregnancies without IVF in the future….this makes the situation even more complicated. If we want more, how can I not give the frozen babies a chance, but at the same time, DH would kill me if he went through the procedure for nothing. Ugh.

  5. S December 7, 2009 at 5:40 pm #

    My word…that’s a hard one. I just wanted to chime in and say I’m not sure what I would do. It’s just too much to think about…too many “what ifs”. I say you just hang on to the frozen guy right now. Give yourself a year or six months and then revisit the subject.

  6. aacustodio December 7, 2009 at 6:18 pm #

    I say go with your gut. If that is telling you to put it in, then do it. Otherwise you’ll always wonder…

  7. leahboral December 7, 2009 at 7:04 pm #

    Definitely give it some time. There is no way to know what your circumstances will be in the next few years. You have waaaaay too much on your plate to have yet another thing to worry about. I wish I could help…but I have no idea how I would feel in your situation. Ugh..

    By the way….we need more pics of the kids!!!

  8. Chelle December 7, 2009 at 7:38 pm #

    I am zero help. I can’t say what *I* would do let alone what YOU should do. I don’t know if you are a religious person, but if you are, perhaps this is something you should pray about.

    The good thing is, you don’t have to decide today. Wait until next year and see how things are and how your hubby feels. Put it to the back of your mind for now and enjoy your three babies.

  9. Michell December 7, 2009 at 9:21 pm #

    Sounds like a hard decision. I would agree with others to give it another year or two and see how you feel about it then and she where things are for you guys. I hope you find a solution that is comfortable for you.

  10. Tracy Waring December 8, 2009 at 1:57 am #

    I’m so sorry that you are in this place of dilemma. Honestly, I can’t even imagine how hard it truly must be. But, I wanted to let you know that there are many families like myself that would be overjoyed to adopt just one little embryo no matter what. I think if your heart is telling you to try for one more than I pray that your hubby’s heart will open to it as well. Maybe he just needs a bit more time. But… If you do decide to look more into the adopting your embie out to a family, maybe you should find one that is open to you having contact and an open relationship with the child. You wouldn’t have to live your life wondering; you would know him/her personally. We have three open adoptions with our children and their birth families are very active with our family. It’s amazing the love that our families have with each other. Personally, I hope that if the desire is still in your heart to birth this little one than I hope your hubby does have a change of heart…But, if not, I pray you will consider an open relationship with a family to donate your little one to and give him or her a chance at life. It truly can be a beautiful outcome to a very hard and personal dilemma.

  11. Melanie December 8, 2009 at 10:25 am #

    I’d have to do it. Try again, just for that one. I know that for me, personally, I’d just have to.

    But no one can tell you what you should do. And if your Hubby is dead set against it…well, that’s a hard one.

  12. Maddy December 8, 2009 at 11:10 am #

    When we did our IVF, we made 4 good embryos. We transferred one (which resulted in a pregnancy and ended up being our son), and have 3 frozen. I really want a second baby and so we will probably use some (but not all) of the frozen embryos. Once we have a second child (and I’m crossing my fingers and praying that a frozen embryo transfer will work in the near future), we have made the decision to donate the remaining embryos for research use. We decided that it was too messy to donate the embryos to another infertile couple. And I certainly don’t want to destroy the embryos without any good use coming from them. But for me, this wasn’t a moral dilemma as I don’t view the embryos as “babies.” But this is a very personal decision for you and your husband to make. I agree with the other commenters. Give yourself some time. Except for the fee that you’ll need to pay to store the extra frozen embryo, you can just let it sit for the time being.

  13. twondra December 8, 2009 at 12:07 pm #

    I can’t imagine the situation you’re in. As someone who needs donated embryos to have a possibility of a pregnancy, I think donating is the most wonderful gift, but I can imagine it can be one of the hardest things to do. I’m thinking of you! (((HUGS)))

  14. Merlot December 8, 2009 at 5:05 pm #

    I have absolutely no advice since I’m in the embryo (plural) dilemma myself. They really lose effectiveness after 3 years? That was the amount of time I was thinking I’d wait…

    • mrslala December 9, 2009 at 11:00 am #

      That’s what I’ve been told…but I’ve also heard of people getting pregnant with embies that have been frozen for 8 years! So, maybe they are less likley to take after 3 years, but it’s not impossible?

  15. Alex December 10, 2009 at 8:07 pm #

    I have never done IVF or had any fertility issues. So…this is coming from the other side of the fence. Although I am adopted…so its also not totally out of left field.

    That 1 frozen embryo is would not be like giving away any of your children…those are babies you grew and birthed and raised. No one could think to ask you to give your children away. Not to deminish the embryo at all…I believe life begins at conception…however I am also a huge believer of nature vs nurture. I am not my parents genetic offspring, but they are my parents. They did not concieve, grow and birth me, but they are my mom and dad. So…to me, if you donated the embryo, you would just be giving someone else a wonderful chance. A gift. So that they could have THEIR family…THEIR child.

    I guess I just believe that just like adoption…embryo donation doesn’t mean its not their child, or that it would be your child. If you donated it, genetically yes there is a tie…but if you don’t raise the resulting child…you aren’t its parents.

    You have 3 beautiful children, and you may want more. Thats your right and your choice 🙂 But if you donate this embryo…you wouldn’t be giving away your child. If you implant and birth this embryo…then it would be your child. At least thats how I see it. I am not my biological parents child. The people that raise and nurture the children are what make you family.

    Anyway…whatever you decide will be whats right for your family. Its got to be a hard choice for sure. I don’t envy your position, but I do celebrate that you’ve already got an amazing family that you’ve been blessed with. I have 2 girls and a boy as well…so I know how full and lucky you are 🙂

  16. BlueBella December 17, 2009 at 7:49 pm #

    Big hug! I agree with sitting on the decision for awhile and not doing anything just yet. Give it some time. You’ll know what to do.

  17. Jackie December 18, 2009 at 7:27 pm #

    I would love love love to have your password… I’ve been following your blog for a while now!!!



  18. amy December 19, 2009 at 4:25 am #

    Can you please send me your password? Thanks!

  19. funnylittlepollywogs January 23, 2010 at 3:36 pm #

    Hello! I am new to WordPress, so I am a little delayed in commenting. Check out my blog to read my journey, it may sway how you feel about embryo adoption. Either way, best wishes to you and I am sure that you will make the decision that is right for your family!

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