If you don’t have anything nice to say…

19 Jul

I have been a bad blogger.

I know, and I’m sorry. I’m still here, I just feel sort of bad when I do blog because right now I have nothing good to say, really. Well, my pregnancy is going really well (knock on wood) and my children are AMAZING…but what I really want to talk about, what I really need to get off my chest, are things that no one wants to hear about time and time again.

So I sit here and I start blogs that I never publish and then I just end up playing Farm Town on Facebook instead. 😉

There are a million things going on right now (pay cuts and furloughs at my work, of which I will get more details this week), the possibility of them stopping Medical here in California (in which case Hubby would die – no dialysis), the fact that living with my parents is still driving me crazy and getting worse (how dare you tell someone what they can and cannot do with their own children!? I don’t care in what way you are related to them!).

But really?

All I can think about is Lennon’s surgery.

I can’t focus at work. I can’t sleep. I am worried sick. Literally.

I have weighed the pros and cons and have made the best informed decision that I possibly can. But what if I am wrong? What if. What if she dies and she didn’t have to? What if.

Oh god.

How do I hand over my tiny little 15 pound princess? My beautiful smiling, squealing little fighter? The beautiful miracle that the IVF clinic told me to abort because she had low amniotic fluid and would likely not survive anyway. My LENNON?!

How do I hand her over for SIX HOURS while they cut into her skull?

Knowing that there will be massive blood loss.

I don’t know how to do this.

I know I have to be strong for her. That if I don’t do this she will never look completely “normal”. That by doing this I am giving her the best chance possible at avoiding learning disabilities and even autism*. But she is my BABY…how do I DO this???

* For the past few weeks Lennon has been withdrawing and regressing. She had been neck and neck with Evy in hitting milestones (crawling, etc). Then all of a sudden everything stopped. She stopped learning new skills, hardly ever turned when we called to her, stopped reaching for people to pick her up, playing only by herself, and screamed if anyone tried to snuggle her or make eye contact with her. We were FREAKED. When her nurse came out to evaluate her for her EI services we pointed it out to her and she was concerned. When we took her to her 9month check up with her pedi we pointed it out to her and SHE was concerned. She referred her to a specialist.

I did a quick Google search (or forty) and found that metopic craniosynostosis is associated with autism. Well effing awesome.

Then Hubby decided to try leaving her helmet off of her yesterday.

And she was back to normal. She started crawling (almost instantly). And reaching for us. And crying when we left the room. And yes, even snuggling.

I have no idea WHAT that was…but she will be only sleeping in the helmet from now on. I am hoping that it was only the helmet…though I have to admit that for a minute I was glad to have a reason to feel good about the surgery.

Kinda pisses me off because I really had to fight to get that stupid helmet and while her head shape is a lot better (referring only to the back of course, we still need the surgery for the front)…it could be even better. Oh well though.


10 Responses to “If you don’t have anything nice to say…”

  1. Michell July 20, 2009 at 1:51 am #

    I’ll be thinking of you and hoping the surgery goes well for Lennon. Glad the pregnancy has been ok other than the scares you’ve had there. Sorry about all the other shit. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be. Hugs to you.

  2. twondra July 20, 2009 at 7:08 am #

    I think about you all the time. You’re so strong. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. (((HUGS)))

  3. Michelle July 20, 2009 at 7:48 am #

    That would be really hard. I am sure everything will be fine though, and in the end you will be so glad you went ahead and did it. Poor little girl. 😦

  4. S July 20, 2009 at 8:47 am #

    I can only imagine how you are feeling about the surgery. I know you must feel overwhelmed beyond belief. Trust yourself, you will make the right decision.

    Please blog even when you want to gripe and complain and cry and everything. Nobody minds it, really. If they do they can stop reading at any moment.


  5. Aunt Becky July 20, 2009 at 8:55 am #

    Honey, love, my friend, hang in there. You have every right to flip out, Lord, you read my blithering posts. My advice? Let it out if you can. We’re all here for you.


    This is hard sh*t. Don’t discount it or let anyone else do it either. That’s not fair.

    Love you.

  6. carly July 20, 2009 at 10:33 am #

    hey! thakns for leaving a comment. yes, levi does have cranio and his surgery is this friday at noon!!! i am freaking out. i can totally relate to your post. here’s to hoping they both go well!

  7. noswimmers July 20, 2009 at 1:28 pm #

    *sigh* I have no idea the level of stress you’re feeling over all of this. My goodness you have so much on your plate.

    You said one thing in this post that you will want to repeat to yourself: Lennon is a fighter. That little girl has beaten the odds time and time again, and she will get through this. She has the love of her family & all of us out in blog land!

    Wishing I could take away some of your pain & stress.


  8. jessica ratliff July 21, 2009 at 12:00 pm #

    when did you notice that her soft spot was closed? was it before the helmet or after? when wewv went to the family hope center for isaiah familyhopecenter.org the said the helmets stop the skull from moving..which causes problems…because the brian breaths sort of like our lungs and our skull expands and contract simmilar to our lungs so when the helmet is put on even though it may hlep the shape of the head it keeps it from “breathing”….. that might be why you see he rdoing more when she has it off….i know that most people wont agree with this but they specialize in kids with brain injuries…and with the info that you get in there 3 day seminar it makes perfect sence….anyhow i know there is a lot going on right now but God has a plan that we may not understand and sometimes it is better that way…. keep your faith in Him to guide you through and He will….. trust in the Lord with all your hearty and lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths
    do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the lord and depart from evil. it will be health to your flesh and strength to your bones -proverbs 3:5- 8
    times are harder now then they have ever been before but i hold on to this hope and the promise that he brings. that therer will be a place with no more suffering. there will be a day with no more tears no more pain no more fear. there will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more we’ll see jesus face to face, but until that day i’ll hold on to you always….-jeremy camp-there will be a day

  9. Io July 22, 2009 at 7:39 am #

    Oh Lala, that is so scary, all of it.
    Lennon is a fighter.

  10. MFA Mama July 22, 2009 at 2:49 pm #

    Is there any way I could get the password? I’ve commented before (on the post where you were debating the amnio) and am harmless but also blogless. I’m MFA_Mama on Twitter (I follow you and you are welcome to follow me back but I have to approve it first; I am paranoid too).

    I’m so sorry you have all of this going on! It sounds like Lennon is in good hands though.

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