Ahhhh Freak Out! (think “old disco song”)

5 May

I haven’t been blogging lately and surprisingly, it’s not because I have nothing to say. It’s because I have way too much to say. I’m overwhelmed and I don’t know where to start.

Bullet points perhaps?

* Hubby is on the transplant list again. Last time he was on it  (this time last year) we were told that he was at the top and should have a new organ within a few months. Then there was a snafu with his Medicare/Kaiser and he was booted off the list until he got that figured out. By the time he did, he had to jump through a million hoops (tests) to get back on…each one took about a month to schedule…yadda yadda yadda…it took a year to get back on the list. Now the only person who can tell him where on the list he is won’t return his phone calls, but their assistant has assured him that he is at least more than 20 down on the list. Fantastic. It’s going to be awhile.

* I am sick, sick, SICK of living at my parent’s house. I am depressed, frustrated and angry that I am stuck here. I don’t understand why when I have a good job (admittedly not a GREAT job) and a degree (well, I will in 5 weeks anyway)…and I am STUCK living with my PARENTS! Did I mention that I’m depressed?

* We can’t move because Hubby refuses to get a decent job/go to college/fight for a transplant/and so on. I’m trying not to resent him, but I’ve found myself saying a lot of things I regret these days. Er…well…things I should regret. If it somehow manages to get his ass motivated then I don’t regret them.

* I’m terrified that Hubby is going to die.

* I’m terrified that Hubby is going to die and leave me with all of these kids!

* I’m graduating in 5 weeks. FINALLY. But I can’t go to grad school like I planned, and I can’t look for a new job like I would like to because I’m pregnant. Again, I am STUCK at my parent’s house. Not at all sorry that I’m pregnant – very excited about the new baby – but overwhelmed and frustrated.

* Mom has stated that we need to hire a nanny when the third baby arrives because she cannot handle all 3 alone. Great. Cause I can afford that.

* Hubby wants to be a stay at home dad. If I could get a better job I’d let him.

* We need a mini van.

* Evelynn is huge. She’s about to outgrow her infant car seat and she is rolling all over the place now and cruising in her walker. Lennon is lagging a bit – I worry a little about that one. But she’s not too far behind, she’ll be rolling in a day or two – she’s almost there. She likes the walker too, but the jumper is her favorite.

* The doctor at Kaiser refused to write her a prescription for a cranial remolding band (she has cranial asymmetry or plagiocephely). It was caused by her having low amniotic fluid in utero. It’s not so severe that you look at her and think “Damn, that kid looks funny”, but if you happen to catch her from the right angle (above), it’s pretty shocking. Her ears are in totally different places on her head. So, we went to Cranial Tech, they examined her and said that she definitely needed a helmet – but they can’t give her one without a prescription. After a long, lengthy battle (including filing a grievance and looking for an attorney) we finally got an appointment for a second opinion with another doctor next week in San Diego (two HOURS from where I live).  I also have an appointment for her tomorrow in Orange County for a Starscan. This is a really watered down summery of everything we have been through recently over this…But let’s just say we have won a battle but not the war (yet) and that if we don’t get Lennon into a band/helmet within the next few weeks she will be too old for it to work as well as it could have.

* Both girls are finally off their apnea monitors! Yea! (They are still on their Angel Care mats at night).

* We took them to Sea World and the Beach over the past few weeks. They LOVED both places (I’ll post pictures, probably tomorrow).

* I don’t know what to do. I have to do something. Do I move into a studio? Do I go on Welfare? Do I somehow manage to suck it up and live with my parents for another year or so? Why do ALL of my options right now totally and completely SUCK? There has to be a better way. I’m just not seeing it right now. But I know it’s out there. I’m smart. I’m educated. I’m highly motivated…I’ll figure it out.

* Until then…Can you hear me screaming from where you are?


10 Responses to “Ahhhh Freak Out! (think “old disco song”)”

  1. Michell May 5, 2009 at 10:08 pm #

    Yes I think I can hear you screaming. I hope things start to look better soon. Thinking of you. Hugs to you.

  2. twondra May 6, 2009 at 3:13 am #

    Wow. That’s so much to deal with. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I’m definitely thinking about you. (((HUGS)))

  3. seussgirl May 6, 2009 at 4:37 am #

    Ugh, I’m SO sorry that you have to deal with all of that! But, yay for the girls being off the monitors! I remember doing a little happy dance when the boys were finally done with them. (They were 7 +/- months old)
    I’m sure there’s something that will work out; we’ll just have faith that it will be something great!

  4. Keri May 6, 2009 at 5:37 am #

    Wow, that’s a lot to have to deal with right now. First, I’m glad you won the battle and have full expectations that you’ll win the war and that Lennon will get the helmet.

    I know it must be difficult to live with your parents; I don’t think I could do it. Actually, I could do it if it meant that at the end of living there I’d be in a better place. I think what you need to do is sit down with hubby and put a plan in place. E.g., out of your parents place in a year/2 years. Then you’ll have that light at the end of the tunnel.

    Oh, and I’m keeping your family/hubby in my thoughts. I hope he flies up the transplant list.

  5. Away2me May 6, 2009 at 5:57 am #

    That is a lot to handle. We are trying to rent out our place and I can tell you there are a ton of places cheap to rent out in your area/our area. Maybe you could rent a place out and do some sort of trade for live in care at a reduced cost.


  6. Bean May 6, 2009 at 6:46 am #

    UGH! That IS an awful lot to deal with and I’m sorry you have to be dealing with any of it. Just wanted to say that I’m thinking good thoughts for all of you.

  7. ifthisworks May 6, 2009 at 6:49 am #

    I totally hears you screaming. I’m sorry you have so many things worrying you right now, you don’t need any of this! I can only hope your hubby moves up on that list, and the job situation works out. This economy doesn’t help either. Hang in there! I know everything will work out.

  8. Becky May 6, 2009 at 10:07 am #

    I hear you screaming loud and clear. Wish I had some decent advice. You can move in with me! I like kids. If they’re not jerks, and yours aren’t.

  9. annacyclopedia May 6, 2009 at 11:28 am #

    That is a lot to have on your plate – in fact, any one of those things alone is a lot to have on your plate. I have no advice or suggestions, but know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and hoping things lighten up very soon.

  10. Stephanie May 6, 2009 at 4:58 pm #

    That’s so much stuff going on!! Hang in there!!

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