Survivor’s Guilt

26 Feb

I have a lot of it regarding the whole infertility thing.

When I started this journey I had many bloggy friends who were in the same boat – and I’m sad to say that not everyone has made it over to this side  of things yet. YET, I stress…because if you want it bad enough it WILL happen one way or another.

But I do feel guilty and I wish more than anything that I could help others get there because I *know* how lucky we got.

I’ve noticed that I get far fewer comments on my blogs since the girls have been born. It’s prolly a combo  of the fact that parenting just isn’t as interesting as being pregnant with triplets/twins, I was a REALLY bad blogger while the girls were in the NICU and when they first came home, and infertiles just don’t want to read about parenting after IF if they are still going through it. Which I totally understand.

When we were trying for the girls I would get so jealous every time someone got a BFP – and I did stop reading blogs as frequently after they gave birth. Not only did it depress me, but I also felt that I had nothing to offer to the conversation because I had no experience parenting.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I think about those of you who are still trying all the time – I want so badly for everyone to have what we have that I actually have intense guilt a lot of the time.

I will NEVER forget how it hurt, how I cried myself to sleep every night, how jealous I got…well, you know the drill.

I just wanted to write a quick little note to all of you to let you know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers (I thought about doing a list, but those of you who have been around for the long-haul know who you are).

If there is EVER anything I could do…I honestly would do it.

I’ve given serious consideration to offering to be a surrogate, free of charge…I’ve never offered because I’m afraid that it would be seen as “weird”…but if I were ever asked I would do it in a heart beat. It would be the least I could do.

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9 Responses to “Survivor’s Guilt”

  1. cece February 26, 2009 at 4:03 pm #

    I think that sometimes, people are more compelled to comment on the dramas than the ‘just normal’ stuff that I tend to post every day. I just went back to work, and posted on the drama of me crying, and got lots of comments. When I talk about how Hulk now sleeps 8 hours… barely a word.

    Also – it’s for the shared expereince, right? So – the people who read you more now are probably mom’s with twins… whereas your IVF buddies that haven’t been successful yet went onto other blogs for support and shared expeierences.

  2. ibcheryl February 26, 2009 at 5:36 pm #

    that was very well put and i agree

  3. Ms. J February 26, 2009 at 7:36 pm #

    Cece raises some good points. It’s a lot easier & probably most people feel more compelled to chime in when someone is having a rough day or needs support (whatever the reason), than to chime in when there is a “happy, life is wonderful” blog entry. I am continually surprised by what does and does NOT elicit comments and replies on my blog by assorted readers.

    Case in point . . . my “Paint” entry got 11 hits, where more thought-provking ones got half of that, LOL.

    Sometimes it’s where you want your blog to go, or what you want it to be, after Bringing Home Baby. “Statistical Bullet” has done a splendid job of bridging this, but still doing topics on loss and TTC, while also sharing joys of Baby Will and challenges as a new mom.

    With mine, I am trying, post-Bringing Home Lil Pumpkin, to keep the conversation going between IFers and Adoption-Minded set (those who already have, and those who hope to). I also draw in a few bloggers who have adopted transracially, or have a bio child of mixed race. I have more respect for those who have trudged through IF World NOW than I did at the start of our Adoption Journey. Likewise, I hope that I have been able to give a new perspective to IFers who may not have given enough respect to Adoption Minded folks, and I pray that somewhere along the way it inspires IFers who thought their dreams of parenthood were extinguished to pursure a new path.

    My two cents. Okay, maybe that’s more like a dime ;o)

  4. Michell February 26, 2009 at 9:16 pm #

    I’m still reading. I may not comment all the time partly because sometimes I just don’t know what to say. But I still read.

  5. twondra February 27, 2009 at 4:17 am #

    Awww, sweetie, that was soooo sweet. You gave me hope, so thank you! (((HUGS)))

  6. Michelle February 27, 2009 at 10:43 am #

    Its funny you posted about this because I was just thinking about the exact same thing yesterday. My neighbor is going through infertility and I want so badly for her current cycle to result in a positive test you would think *I* was the one going through it. It is so hard to watch others struggle when you know how difficult the journey is. I wish no one ever had to go through infertility. It is so heart wrenching. I hope that you and I offer hope to those who are still struggling.

  7. noswimmers March 1, 2009 at 8:18 pm #

    You are a kind, gentle soul. Of course you’ll never forget…and reading your story gives the rest of us hope that we CAN get through this.
    ((HUGS))

  8. Lorza March 2, 2009 at 10:00 am #

    I came to you through noswimmer’s website..I think you do a great job with your blog—um, I just spent a little while reading it. It can imagine the demographics seem to change when you go from ttc to babies at home. I think you will find some people to move away- but I think a good bit will stay b/c they have come to love you and the babies.

    I agree with Cece and Mrs. J- it does seem easier to find things to say for posts that are bad news or drama- rather than just a quickie for a normal everyday post. I find myself doing that sometimes…I am going to really try and at least say something now. If I have time to read a whole blog entry- I should have time to jot a line or two down to say hi.

    Have a good monday- and good luck with the teething!!!

  9. Kristi March 4, 2009 at 11:57 am #

    I feel your guilt. My sister and her husband have been trying to have a baby for 3 years. I remember dreading telling her that we were going to start trying to have a baby. Then after trying for just three months we got pregnant. When we found out at 20 weeks that we were having twins (my sister’s life long dream), I didn’t know what to say to her. Now I have two beautiful healthy baby boys, and my sister just found out that their only options are IVF and adoption. Sometimes I just don’t know what to say to her.

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