I only have a second…

28 Nov

and I have a sleeping baby on one arm….So this is going to be very short and choppy.

The girls came home 3 weeks ago. I kept telling the doctors that we needed apnea monitors and they refused. We made it 5 days until Lennon’s first well baby check up and were readmitted. We only made it four days with Evy who it turns out had a bladder infection. Lennon was having so much apnea at home that there is now a possibility of brain damage. They are worried about Evy’s heart mummer and that she may have inherited kidney issues from her father.

They came back home last Friday on monitors and meds. MUCH better now. Possible law suit in the works. Others have come forward and said that they told the doctor the girls were not ready and were ignored. Still others are saying that this is not the first time this has happened. Obviously, I’m livid. I told them over and over that something was “not right” and they told me I was paranoid.

Thank you to those who recommended the Angel Care mats. They literally saved the girl’s lives.

Other than that, life is pretty good. I love the girls. I love being a mommy. They are beautiful and wonderful and perfect even at 3am when I am exhausted.

I do feel guilty, though, about trying to hard to get them here and now they have all of these issues. God I hope they turn out alright. Oh, almost forgot…Evy also has a bunch of red, raised growths from head to toe and both girls have hernia in their belly buttons.

As for the nursing, argh. It’s really just NOT working out. Neither girl can really nurse well and we both just end up frustrated after and hour or so of trying. I try to pump milk and bottle feed them, but that is REALLY hard because it is time consuming and the girls constantly need something (wash bottles, one’s crying, etc, etc, etc). I’m not sure what to do anymore…I want to throw in the towel…but the doctors tell me that that is “quiting” and that the risk of SIDS is so much higher with formula…etc. It makes me feel like a terrible person. Not sure what to do. Girls not doing well on the milk anyway…TONS of gas. Wondering if they may be allergic to it because it turns out that rash I had was caused by my own breast milk touching my skin. I now have to wipe with alcohol pads each time I pump. That’s another reason nursing isn’t working…it burns like fire.

Ok. Gotta go feed. Miss you guys!!


19 Responses to “I only have a second…”

  1. Away2me November 28, 2008 at 3:38 pm #

    Oh gosh how scary about the babies being released to soon. I’m so very sorry you have that added worries. And ugh on the breast feeding too. Big hugs coming your way. I hope the pumping or nursing goes better ASAP.

  2. ibcheryl November 28, 2008 at 4:44 pm #

    I am sorry that you are having so many problems. It is heartbreaking to go through so much then go through some more.


  3. Sarah November 28, 2008 at 7:29 pm #

    I would be livid too. I’m glad there may be legal repercussions for those involved, that kind of thing can’t be allowed to happen.
    I’m glad you’re enjoying your daughters though. There is nothing like motherhood. It’s magical.
    Maybe get a second opinion on the breastfeeding. I wouldn’t consider it “quitting” (it certainly doesn’t sound like it) to discontinue if it’s hard on all of you.

  4. noswimmers November 28, 2008 at 8:22 pm #

    Oh wow hun…I’ve been thinking about you and the girls SO MUCH. I am literally shaking for you–I can’t believe how you’re feeling.
    I will continue sending all my love. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.

  5. Orodemniades November 28, 2008 at 10:05 pm #

    thinking of you!

  6. twondra November 29, 2008 at 5:00 am #

    Oh, sweetie, you’ve been through so much. I can’t believe the mistakes they made. Thanks for updating. I’ve been thinking a lot about you!

  7. seussgirl November 29, 2008 at 8:18 am #

    Oh my – I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through so much! How scary for you and the girls. I agree with Sarah, it’s not quitting if there are so many factors. It’s not like you’d be stopping just because you don’t feel like it. But definitely see if anyone can help you through this. Did you have any good lactation consultants in the hospital?
    I sure hope your girls come through this all well!

  8. Lost in Space November 29, 2008 at 8:37 am #

    How scary to be going through all this. I am so sorry, Lala. You and the girls have and will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

  9. Nix November 29, 2008 at 1:35 pm #

    Sorry things have been so scary for you 4! Glad you had the Angelcare mats though.

    I’ll third Sarah, now I may be a bit biased but I also think docs sometimes forget reality, it’s all very easy to talk about pumping and bottlefeeding them when you aren’t looking after said babies.

  10. Ms. J November 29, 2008 at 4:18 pm #

    I wanna echo Sarah’s comments on the breastfeeding . . . also, there are places (milk banks?) in which women can donate unused breast milk – is that an option for you to get some if it’s that important? (A friend of mine in Northern Cal donated her unused, frozen, breast milk after her twins weaned themselves).

    As to everything else . . . oh honey, I don’t know where to begin. I am praying for you and hubby to be extra strong for the girls, and for them to thrive.

    If you need to b*tch in private, or express any other sad/frustrated/scary thoughts, you have my email address.


  11. Michell November 29, 2008 at 4:49 pm #

    Glad the babies are now on monitors and hopefully doing better and you a bit more relaxed with them home.
    As far as the breast feeding, yes it’s better than formula but when it’s something that is that hard on you it still may not be the best answer. Like was mentioned above, get a second opinion. Good luck.

  12. Amanda November 29, 2008 at 6:56 pm #

    I am so sorry for the horrible horrible scares!!!! I’m glad you now have monitors. You’re all in my thoughts and prayers.

  13. BlueBella November 29, 2008 at 7:17 pm #

    Oh my Gawd! I was worried about you when you hadn’t posted for so long but my goodness this is really intense! I’m soooo sorry you’re going through this right now – like you haven’t been through enough already.
    Never fear – you are an amazingly strong Mama and you all will get through this. Thank goodness you are so vigilant for your daughters! Keep it up!

    As for the breastfeeding – you are NOT giving up if it’s not working for you! As if the rash thing wasn’t enough – are your doctors insane to tell you something like that? I had similar issues with trying to breastfeed my twins after they came home (aside from the rash) – there just wasn’t enough time in the day and we quickly went to straight formula – Neosure to be exact. As long as they have gotten the colostrum and even a couple of weeks of your milk they have been given the best benefit you can provide them. Switching to formula as long as it has DHA and ARA and meets the nutritional needs of premmies you will be fine (IMHO). Even now with Angelfish home I’m alternating between pumping and bottle feeding my milk and breastfeeding because it’s WAY more comfortable to pump.

    Do what works for you and NEVER feel like a failure – you’re doing everything right! HUGS

  14. Clarkie November 30, 2008 at 12:18 pm #

    Oh My God, you have been through the ringer! As for the breast milk over formula, I really won’t be tht worried about being a bad mom if you don’t breat feed, look at all of those mothers who just don’t produce enough or the baby has a hard time with it. You have 2 babies and not only are they having a hard time of it, so are you. Your girls are having a hard time breathing, eating at least you could try and make easier for all three of you, how much more relaxed would you all be? It would take the tension out of it and hubby could then help out that little bit more with the feedings.

    As for the doctors, SHAME ON THEM. You knew what was right then and you know what is right now, I pray that they have not damaged your girls beyong a full recovery and hope that the law suit is whipped out as you know that doctors and hospitals do not ever admit their mistakes and will only ever ‘compensate’ but never admit fault.

    Good luck and keep up posted, don’t forget some updated photo’s 😉

  15. Michelle November 30, 2008 at 2:06 pm #

    Oh my gosh! I would be so livid with the doctors too! In fact, I am! They should know better, and now their stupid choices may affect your babies for the rest of their lives. I pray that everything is well with them despite the lack of care on the doctors’ parts. I am so sorry you had to deal with that. As if you didn’t have enough to worry about. Poor girl. 😦

    Things will start to get easier as time passes and you fully understand your mother role. You’re doing an awesome job at being a mommy. Just keep following your instincts and doing the best you can. That is all anyone can ever ask of you.

    Sending loads of love and hugs your way!

  16. kitty November 30, 2008 at 8:15 pm #

    Lala I just popped in I hadn’t read your blog in a very long time. 1st congratulations on the birth of the girls. If you ever want to talk you can email me privately I can help with you all your preemie developmental questions. We too experience some of the same things.. We were back in the hospital 4 days after being released for an apena problem too. Melisa also had hernias and heart murmurs.
    Another good place to go that is if you have a few seconds to yourself is
    Yahoo preemie groups. They are very very helpful and extremely helpful.
    If you dont mind I will be sharing with Stacie5 because she still has her preemie of 5 months still in the NICU.
    Take care kitty
    email hwnkitty@aol.com

  17. Melanie December 1, 2008 at 1:43 am #

    My advice: Don’t stress over the breastfeeding. My daughter’s pediatrician (who is a GREAT doctor – we had to search for him for two months) said that with all the advancements in formula these days, the “need” to feed them breastmilk isn’t as great. He told us that formula has almost all the essential things that breastmilk has, so we need not worry that our baby will be slowed any or have SIDS due to not receiving breastmilk. My baby was sick for the first two months and had to be on an expensive, prescription, hypoallergenic formula but I will still trying to pump for the day they gave me the go-ahead to start feeding her breastmilk again. However, like you described, it was so hard to keep up my supply and pump every two hours when you have so many other things to do; in our case it was mixing bottles, diapers, throw up, medicines, doctors appts, etc.

    You will always feel a little disappointment for not being able to have those special breastfeeding moments, but you will be much happier with one less thing on your plate, especially with twins!

    So just find the formula that works best for your babies, and let go of the stress of the breast! What is most important is that you are happy and have time to cuddle and take care of your babies.

    Any questions, feel free to ask!

    Good luck,


  18. annacyclopedia December 1, 2008 at 1:35 pm #

    Hang in there, sweetie, and know that whatever you do, you are doing it with your babies’ best interests in mind.

    Tiny bit of assvice that I may have passed on already – see if there’s a La Leche League chapter in your community and give them a call. It is a peer support network and leaders have a lot of training and personal experience with breastfeeding. It might be a good place to start if you want to find a good lactation consultant, too.

    Good luck – you’re in my thoughts and prayers often.

  19. JJ December 3, 2008 at 1:33 pm #

    Been thinking about you and the girls!

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