This is what I have become…

17 Jul

A crazed, annoying psycho.

I have been feeling all sorts of soreness and pressure down below the past two days (all perfectly normal, I’m sure) but I’m such a wreck that I called my Doc and asked for an appointment tomorrow morning. I told them that I think that I have a yeast infection, but am not sure, and that I don’t want to use the medication unless I really have to. That part is actually true. But what I really want is a cervix check.

How sick am I?

I am so weak. Maybe I should start going to therapy? No seriously. My anxiety level is ridiculous and nothing I do seems to help. I can’t distract myself, I obsess all day, every day. This can’t be healthy and I can’t stop myself.

I know what is going on, but that doesn’t make it any better.

The main problem is that I have experienced quite a bit of loss during this pregnancy already. First my Granie passing (we were VERY close), then losing our triplet. Then there is the fact that this whole pregnancy up until recently was anything but text book…And the biggest factor (in my opinion) is the fact that this is IT for Hubby and I. Lennon and Evelynn are pretty much our ONLY chance to be biological parents. We financed our butts off to make this happen and even IF we were somehow able to manage that again (doubtful) I don’t know if I could. If I lose these babies I just don’t know if I could try again and besides that, the OHSS was so bad I don’t know if I could go through that agian either (I literally thought I was going to die).

Ok, I’m just psycho.

So tomorrow morning at my appointment I am going to ask my doctor for weekly cervix checks until after the 24 week mark. I am really embarrassed that it has come to this, but I don’t think I will ever relax if I don’t do it.

I’m so dissapointed in myself. Why can’t I just relax? Why can’t I just have some faith? Why do I have to be such a freak? Ugggghhh.

I hope I can scrape together some sanity soon. =(


10 Responses to “This is what I have become…”

  1. Away2me July 17, 2008 at 4:20 pm #

    If you figure out how to unfreak will you let me know. Cause frankly I think given your recent history you are totally normal. Or I’m just as much of a freak.

    Hang in there ((((hug))))

  2. Michelle July 17, 2008 at 6:08 pm #

    Honey your babies are going to be just fine, and they WILL make it here, and they WILL be healthy. I agree you do need to relax, but I also know that the way you are feeling is a common pregnancy symptom. I had to fight off some pretty bad anxiety myself a couple of weeks ago. Just try to find some peace. Maybe try a little meditation, I find that always helps me when my anxiety attacks kick in. Maybe think about investing in some meditiation instruction CDs. I have a few, and I love them when I need them. You will notice a difference in your sense of calm.

    Best of luck. Loads of hugs and love!

  3. Beth O. =o) July 17, 2008 at 6:57 pm #

    I am sad to hear that you lost your triplet, but glad that you are still going strong with the twins. I think you did the right thing by not reducing. =o) I wish you well and will continue to pray for you and your babies and family. I would love to get the password so I could see pictures and such of your progress. =o)

    My hubby and I are just now trying to actively concieve after 11 years of marriage and using no birth control (I have PCOS). So please wish us luck!!

  4. BlueBella July 17, 2008 at 7:19 pm #

    Please talk to your Doctor about your anxiety – you can get medication for it that WON’T hurt the babies. I had so much anxiety with my twins I got some prescribed at about 12 weeks and it really helped me. As soon as they were born I didn’t need it anymore – and it didn’t mess with my head, either. It just took the edge off.
    I know you want to be ultra cautious, but you know this anxiety and worry is so bad for both you and the babies! Please I can’t stress it enough to be very frank with your doctor about it . . .. and getting your cervix checked weekly is just a bandaid on a ripped off limb. Ok maybe I’m being dramatic but take it from my experience because I care about you so much and your little babies! You’re coming to a point where what may seem like little deals are actually really big deals and I just don’t want anything to happen to you!

  5. twondra July 18, 2008 at 2:40 am #

    Awww, sweetie, you’re perfectly normal….especially with all you’ve been through. Hang in there hon! I’d be the same way. I hope the doctor’s appointment goes well. (((HUGS))))

  6. Leah July 18, 2008 at 3:51 am #

    If you figure out how to eliminate (or even lessen) the debilitating anxiety and worry that plagues a pregnancy (especially after IF and/or loss), then you can quit your job because you’ll be a very rich woman. I swear that I took years off my life with the constant, crushing worry I experienced during my pregnancies. Every day I thought “this is the day I’m going to lose this baby.” Every time I went to the bathroom, I checked for blood. In the middle of the night I had to turn on the light to make sure there wasn’t anything on the toilet paper. Every minute that I didn’t feel the baby move (when it was big enough for me feel it move), I was convinced that it was gone.

    Was my level of worry “normal?” No. I did go on Zoloft which helped but I had to stop it by the 3rd trimester anyway per my OB and perinatologist. I wish I had some magic words or a food you could eat or an exercise you could do in order to calm your fears. But I just don’t. I finally made it through by believing that God had already decided how this would work out so I decided to accept it. I also did acupuncture which seemed to help some (at least for a day or two after the appointment).

    Hang in there and get those weekly cervix checks if that’s what it takes to help your worry even a little.

  7. Kate July 18, 2008 at 5:36 am #

    You have really gone through a lot and I don’t blame you for feeling this way. I hope that you can find some peace soon.

  8. Ms. J July 18, 2008 at 7:46 am #

    STOP IT — you are NOT psycho, and you are overreacting! You are being Mama Bear, and that is totally acceptable!

    I command you to stop beating yourself up, LaLa. IF one of us out here wrote the same blog entry about our own situation, would you not be nodding and full of all sorts of affirmation?! OF COURSE YOU WOULD! So how bout cutting yourself some slack, to?!

    You are entitled to as much medical and emotional reassurance as you need to get through this pregnancy, and bring as healthy and near full-term of baby girls as possible!

    Wuv U.

  9. Nix July 18, 2008 at 11:56 am #


    you are not overreacting, given all that you’ve been through, it’s completely understandable that you require reassurance. I can’t imagine your doctor will have a problem either.

    The only thing that kept me sane during my pregnancy were my fortnightly ultrasounds, hopefully you will get the same peace of mind!

  10. Amanda July 18, 2008 at 2:16 pm #


    With everything that’s happened, I think your anxiety is understandable. I hope your doc agrees to the weekly cervix checks. I don’t see why not. Especially since it will help ease your mind.

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