Starting to Lose It

16 Jul

I knew that hitting the 20 week mark was going to be hard for me, but I was hoping that I would handle it better than I am. I am a basket case. I should have known.

It seems as though everywhere I turn people are losing babies between the 20-24 week mark. I have had several friends and co workers lose babies during this time (two due to infection, one due to an incompetent cervix). There are also stories at every turn on the blogosphere and on TV….

It just stinks that there is no way to to know, no way to be sure, nothing to do but sit and wait and hope.

There are no guarantees, no rhyme or reason to who gets to take home healthy babies and who doesn’t…

I am *so* not good at this.

Today I am doing alright, but yesterday I was so overwhelmed that I felt like saying “eff it” and just trying not to think about the fact that I am pregnant at all for the next four weeks. I don’t know how to handle this kind of stress…I’m a wreck.

On one hand I really want to go back to work because I think that it will be a nice distraction (plus I am BORED out of my mind, we could use the money, AND they are letting another girl from our office fill in for me while I am out and she is getting WAAAAY too into it which is creeping me out…but that’s a post for another day).

On the other hand I don’t know if that would make me worry more or not. I would suspect not, unless we started having more drama again and I couldn’t go back off work if I needed to.

Things still seem to be good though. I’m getting big, but not as big as I expected (I’ll have Hubby take a 20 week pic for me tonight). I am feeling pretty good too, the pelvic pain is better at the moment. I think I am having braxton hicks…but it’s hard to tell. Sometimes I feel as though my stomach is tightening up, but then it will not feel very hard to the touch. ::shrug::

Anyone know how to tell when I am having them? My stomach feels sort of hard ALL the time…

I am also still not feeling the babies move a lot. I feel flutters and squirms every day…but rarely more than a few a day and rarely do I feel them all day.

I do think I am finally starting to gain weight though! lol I’ve finally got an appetite. I can’t believe it took 20 weeks for my appetite to come back. I’ve only gained about 11lbs so far, which is about 9 shy of what the pregnancy books say I should have by now with twins…but maybe the 5 lbs I was over weight before I got pregnant can be counted towards my overall goal? 😉

Ok. Enough psychotic ramblings for now. Any advic on surviving the next few weeks with my sanity (and babies) in tact would be GREATLY appreciated.


11 Responses to “Starting to Lose It”

  1. BlueBella July 16, 2008 at 5:57 pm #

    Congrats on half-way LaLa!!!! That is huge! Try not to worry too much about the weight gain – your body and the babies will guide you – I had only gained 19 lbs by 30 weeks (it was hard to eat for me because of the stress) . . .but still keep the calories up if you can.
    As for keeping your mind off of things – that I am no good at! LOL Are you a gamer at all?? A short term addiction to video games would come in handy right about now . . .:)

    You’ve made it this far and you & your girls will make it as far as you need to to become a family that can hug and kiss and grow together. Trust your gut.

    And yes, we have been pregnant forever . . but soon enough it will be over and we’ll be scrambling around wishing we could put them back in for just a few hours of peace and quiet!

  2. Ms. J July 16, 2008 at 6:39 pm #

    Let’s try to focus on how tough those little girls (not to mention their Mama!) are — they have proven to be sassy lil’ troublemakers, and I suspect they are going to stick around until close to their due date, and then make their stubborn appearence into this world :o)

    In the meantime . . . how about some internet scavenger hunts for you? Maybe plan a Dream Vacay (I know, we can’t afford it either). Or search for your perfect Oscar gown? Read E!Onl.ine (always good for mindless dribble). Damn, how about reading a book? (LOL, we all should try that once in a while!) Update your Christmas card list (or put it into a preadsheet if it already isn’t).

    Some of my suggestions are waaaaay dorky, but maybe they will get the ball rolling, and another of your fans will suggest something that will “Click” for you.

    Remember, you are MORE THAN HALFWAY THROUGH!!! You have climbed to the top of the mountain, now you come back down. You have run half the marathon. You are getting closer to the end zone. Each minute, each hour, each day . . . the time is slowly drifting away, bringing you closer to the day that those girls are ready to make their big debut.

    Hang in there, LaLa. (Might I suggest hanging in there with some ice cream?!)


  3. Lost in Space July 16, 2008 at 9:10 pm #

    You are half-way there, my friend!! I wish I had some comforting words to share. Just take one day at a time and soon you will be there. (hugs)

  4. twondra July 17, 2008 at 2:40 am #

    I wish I knew exactly what to say to make you feel better. Just know that there are lots of people who make it all the way through and you’re going to too! Hang in there hon!(((HUGS)))

  5. Away2me July 17, 2008 at 5:13 am #

    I think you are normal. It really is scary. But the odds are in your favor, not against you carrying to term. Hang in there, wish I had a magic crystal ball to show you your future and you could see yourself holding two healthy babies.

  6. Jendeis July 17, 2008 at 5:44 am #

    Yay for halfway! You are doing great lil mama!

  7. Sweetgeorgia July 17, 2008 at 7:26 am #

    Reaching 20 weeks is fantastic and I can only imagine the worry you must feel; the push and pull of anxiety and anticipation. I can’t remember if you’ve mentioned this before, but is there any possibility of you being able to work from home? That way you have something to occupy you and you don’t have to deal with office politics.

  8. Amy July 17, 2008 at 8:30 am #

    You are half-baked! That is a huge goal and know that everyday they spend in you is an added bonus! You are going to be holding 2 little girls in your arms very soon and I’m so excited for you! I understand the worry, after 2 miscarriages myself I was never ok until I hit the 32 week mark, because then I knew he would be ok. Your ramblings aren’t psychotic and are clearing justifiable……don’t forget we know how you are feeling! Hugs!

  9. S July 17, 2008 at 9:15 am #

    You are half way there!!! Yippeee!! I think that feeling of dread never goes away. Hang in there and work could be a great distraction (and a great way of getting the over helpful co-worker to calm down a bit!! LOL).

  10. Cibele July 17, 2008 at 12:11 pm #

    congrats on 20 weeks. It is normal to feel scared. I had a hard time coping with the fears during my pregnancy. I know that is hard, but try to enjoy it… you will miss it once is over. HUGS

  11. sara July 17, 2008 at 12:59 pm #

    I know it’s a hard time to be at, because never have you been so close to having a viable baby – but yet that’s what makes it so hard. Being so close, but not there yet. I don’t know of any tricks for dealing – I’m kind of having a lot of those feelings myself. I hope the next few weeks fly by. Hugs…you are doing so well!

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