Can someone please explain this to me? (long vent, sorry)

7 Jul

I knew that I was playing with fire when I agreed to move in with my parents for the time being, and believe me, it was my LAST option. I have worked very hard to be independent from a young age because my mother and I do not geta long AT ALL and I knew that I needed to be able to “fly on my own” at any moment. Anyhow, to admit that between being pregnant with triplets (at the time) and Hubby’s upcoming surgeries that we were going to need help was already a sucker punch.I was hoping that enough time had passed that things would be different – and actually until today things were pretty ok. I have walked in on my mom complaining about us twice now…but I expected that.

And then today: I am going to try to reconstruct this as best I remember it, but my head is a bit cloudy from sobbing for the past hour or so. Here goes…

I went out into the kitchen to find something to eat for lunch, Mom happened to be making something so I sat down at the table and made small talk for awhile…everyhting was fine. Then I noticed some ads and coupons for baby diapers on the table and I started looking through them and I mentioned that I would like to start stocking up on things for the babies because money is tight and you can never have too many things such as diapers, etc. She then mentioned (not for the first time) that I should save my money, that I had no place to stock pile things and that I shouldn’t buy anything until after the baby shower.

Fpor some reason as soon as I mentioned buying diapers, she went on the attack. Her whole face scrunched up and she just got MEAN. What the hell?

I then tried to explain that I don’t think that anyone is going to throw me a baby shower. She herself has avoided the topic like the plague and although several of my friends have offered, I feel guilty having them do it. I told her that I was thinking of having a birthday party for the babies after they are born instead. She stated that she would have a baby shower for me but that she thinks its rude for family members to throw them. I agreed that it was and said that I didn’t think anyone should have to do it for me, that I was fine with not having one. I would LOVE to have one, but I don’t want ot put anyone out, etc.

So, long story short – this whole thing escalated into a full scale argument and I have NO IDEA WHY. She says that if I don’t get my way I “throw darts” (try to make others feel guilty). Ok. I was a bit snotty about her telling me not to start stocking up on baby items. I don’t understand it, but its her house and if she doesn’t want me piling boxes of diapers in the corners, fine. I said as much. I guessI can see how she might constitute that as being snotty, but if she thought I was trying to be bitchy about the baby shower, I wasn’t. I honestly don’t want to put anyone out over it (her OR my friends) and since no one seems really excited about having one I’d rather forget the whole thing. NOT worthΒ  an argument in my opinion.

This is how it always is with her. Sometimes she just picks fights and attacks me and I never can figure out why…its like she honestly just felt like having an argument? I sat there with her for the longest time trying to defuse the situation, but the more I tried to calm her the more angry and mean she got. Finally she told me to go away and I ended up hiding in my room, calling Hubby in tears.

So now I seriously feel like shit. Yes. My husband and I are living with my parents. Yes. I am 27 and he is 31 and we are about to have twins and we can’t freaking make it on our own right now. I feel horrible enough about that already! Are her comments about “Well, where would you put all that stuff anyway?” designed to make me feel even worse!?

All I know is that we tried for four years to have a family. We tried for four years before that to get Hubby on the transplant list. Now we have FINALLY made those things happen but I am having a complicated pregnancy and one of my babies has died. I have the degree, I have the good job (not GREAT, but decent) Hubby makes good money…but right now neither of us can work and its not our fault and we feel crappy as it is! Now all I want to do is make myself feel a little better and MAYBE try to convince myself that these other two babies aren’t going to die as well (cause not a moment goes by when I believe that they are actually going to make it) by being hopeful and buying some baby stuff and I can’t.

I have to get out of here. I just don’t know what I am going to do. Hubby could postpone his transplant, but that seems like a stupid idea after being on dialysis for 10 years. I could ignore my doctors recommendations and go back to work…but that is really not going to help me believe these babies are going to live…I’m open to suggestions.

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28 Responses to “Can someone please explain this to me? (long vent, sorry)”

  1. Away2me July 7, 2008 at 1:40 pm #

    I’m so sorry for you. What a terrible thing to have to deal with. Wish I had more suggestions for you. I’m just so darn sorry you have to deal with the mom thing while worrying about your babies. It is just so much to handle.

  2. Babychaser July 7, 2008 at 2:03 pm #

    My suggestion is going to suck: just try to hang in there. I agree, you have GOT to get out of that house. Your mom clearly can’t handle having you there, and suggesting that she doesn’t have room for baby stockpiling is a clear hint that she doesn’t have room for your twins when they come. She’s going to hurt you. No doubt about it.

    At the same time, you have a donor and this surgery has to happen now. After it’s done, and your man is on the mend enough to be able to take care of you, I would jump at the chance to get out. Even if that means moving into a crappy 1 bedroom apartment while you’re still pregnant or have infant twins. Because being alone in a crappy situation is better than being with a hurtful mom. But if you have to decide between that move and his surgery, I think you need to hold out for his surgery.

    What horrible decisions. All I can say is that I think you’re going to be on the other side of this soon. And it’s possible that life will never again be as hard as it is right now (this is what I tell myself all the time, btw). This is just a crappy rotten time, and all you can do is sit and wait it out and try not to freak.

    That being said, I’m really pissed at your mom. I’m also pissed at my mom (sort of a lifelong issue for me), so maybe I’m just projecting. But I feel like this is the time for parents to step up, not get all competitive and wierd with their kids.

    Oh, and I’ll say this as well. Your first baby left you a long time ago. I really think the other two are going to hang on. I don’t blame you for being scared, but I think you’ve got a really good shot at some live, gurgly, dimpled babies in your future.

  3. Rona Michelson July 7, 2008 at 3:44 pm #

    Yes, just take a deep breath, think clearly about what your needs are, and take what she has to say with a grain of salt. Of course you are in a difficult position, but it’s not your fault and if she is blaming you, then it’s really her problem. You need to do what you need to do to keep yourself and your husband and your babies healthy. If she has melt-downs from time to time, try to understand that something bad is happening inside of her that makes her do it. And you– take care of yourself.

  4. Ms. J July 7, 2008 at 4:10 pm #

    Oh Sweetie, I am so pissed for you! I am digging in my closet right now for my high heeled, shitkickin’ boots, and then I am stomping my way out there and putting them to GOOD use, Sistah!

    Seriously, I think Babychaser said it VERY well. I think by the time these babies come you two may have to find another spot. In the meantime, I would hide out as much as possible in your room, focusing the health of your hubby, you, and those babies. I know all too well how hard it is to let Hope back in . . . but I think every day it becomes a bit more likely that Hope is sticking around.

    Hey, in my situation? I am friggin’ scared to death that ANOTHER massive earthquake is bound to happen at any moment, and/or nuclear war will break out.

    Please tell us what we can do to help — be is listen, say snotty things, be a distraction?!

  5. Anna July 7, 2008 at 4:13 pm #

    For the record…I’d throw you a baby shower in a second. Don’t underestimate your friends…if someone wants to throw you a shower…LET THEM! That is exactly the sort of things friends are for! πŸ˜‰

    Sorry about the crappy Mom situation…I have no advice for that. That simply sucks.

  6. M July 7, 2008 at 4:27 pm #

    I am so sorry that you’re having to deal with such passive aggressiveness at the same time as everything else you’re having to deal with. Clearly your mom has some seriously unvoiced issues, and it’s not helping you at all to have to put up with it. I hope that before the babies come, you can find a place that’s better suited to all of you.

    I’m sending you big hugs, and have to agree with everyone else… I’d throw you a shower without even thinking once about it, and if your friends/family members mention it, you definitely should let them!

    Hugs, hun.

  7. Michelle July 7, 2008 at 5:07 pm #

    I sincerely hope that going through menopause doesn’t turn all women into horid bitches. I love my mother dearly, and we also get along great from a distance. When we are under the same roof, your mom sounds like my mom. I never did understand why mothers had to be such a pain in the ass. What’s the big deal about stocking up on diapers? What’s the big deal about having a few extra boxes around if they are going with you when you go? Why does it have to be such a traumatic thing for them? “Oh dear God! Not a box in the corner of my house!!”

    Then Adam’s mom is a total bitch. We don’t even talk to her anymore and haven’t for well over a year now. She used to send me emails about being overweight causing infertility problems. I weighed 120 lbs. She would constantly send me shit like that, and then one time told me she had no desire to be a grandmother. I replied, “Good. Our children will think Adam doesn’t have a mom. Works for us!”

    I constantly pray that becoming such a horrid bitch is not inevitable. That it isn’t a MUST for our futures. I pray daily that I never ever treat my babies that way, especially after everything we’ve gone through to get them here. Perhaps that is what our mothers lack? Appreciation of the struggle to even conceive.

    You have my complete sympathies. All you can do is stick it out and avoid your mother as much as possible, especially if she is going to be such a victim. Unfortunately you need her right now, and she knows that, and she is using it to her advantage. It IS very sad she is being so horrible about it. She obviously has no appreciation for what you’re going through. Keep a stiff upper lip and flip her off when her back is turned, you’ll be amazed at how good it makes you feel. >:D

  8. Kate July 7, 2008 at 5:13 pm #

    I have a difficult relationship with my mom and it’s so hard. I’m really sorry.

  9. ultimatejourney July 7, 2008 at 5:41 pm #

    I’d stay until your husband has his surgery and then I’d get the heck out of dodge. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this on top of a twin pregnancy.

  10. Sarah July 7, 2008 at 8:28 pm #

    I will gladly have a webconference-esque shower for you (because I don’t know where you are although I have a feeling it’s far) AND I will store everything for you.
    You think “ah, that’s nice but I don’t believe it”. BELIEVE IT! I’ve done crazier things. Just let me know. I want you not to worry, but I know that’s impossible, so anything I can do to help, I will.
    Hang in there. Things will get better. Steer clear of Mommy dearest and take good care of yourself and your husband. You’ve got more important things to worry about.

  11. Lost in Space July 7, 2008 at 8:38 pm #

    Huge hugs, hun. I wish I had some profound words of wisdom to help you through this. I have a strained relationship with my mom and could not imagine living with her. I do think you and your husband are making the best choice for long term health and happiness. There is no doubt about him needing the surgery and you needing bedrest. I hope you can find a way to get through it all with your mom. At the least, know that we are here to listen anytime.

    As for the shower, people offer to do these things because they love you and want to celebrate your babies. Nobody feels put out for these kind of things so let your friends do it.

    Hang in there!!!

  12. twondra July 8, 2008 at 2:46 am #

    Oh, sweetie, I’m soooo sorry. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you right now. I really don’t know much to say, but I agree that for your health and hubby’s, you need to get out of there. It’s not good for either of you to have stress like that. 😦 But, I understand under the circumstances it’s hard. Are there any low-income housing around your area? There are some around here that charge rent based on your income.

    I know it’s not the same, but my sister and her husband had to move in with his family when they were building a house. They had a 1-year-old and my sister was pg. There was so much fighting and finally they couldn’t handle it and moved to a 2-bedroom apartment that was really cheap. Finanically it was tough, but it was the best thing…they were finally happy and didn’t feel like they were going to lose the relationship wtih his family.

    Also, if your friends offer to do a baby shower, let them. πŸ™‚ They want to do it. I’ve done 7 showers and it’s not a bother at all….it’s an honor to do it for a friend and something I will cherish forever and I know they won’t forget it either. They’re kind of fun…especially twin ones. πŸ™‚

    Good luck sweetie! Vent to me anytime!

  13. Roxann July 8, 2008 at 4:52 am #

    I am sorry. i don’t have a suggestion. I am working two jobs myself while TTC and I’m still in the hole. I would say to just hang in there. Things will eventually get better.

  14. sara July 8, 2008 at 5:30 am #

    Oh lala, I’m really sorry that things like this come up. You and your husband have been through so much already and are doing such a great job with things. Most people wouldn’t be doing half as well as you with all you have been through. You are doing such a good job preparing your life for these two little ones which just goes to show you what a great mom you’ll be. I know it’s tough, but hang in there just a little longer and things are going to get better. Hugs and more hugs…

  15. BlueBella July 8, 2008 at 6:53 am #

    First off doll here’s a HUGE HUG!
    I agree with what others have said. Also, maybe your Mom is really scared for you & your health and not wanting to get hopefull about the babies herself? Sometimes we mask our fear with anger. Since I don’t know all the details of your relationship this is just a guess. But bottom line, you have to stay calm and as unstressed as possible. If your Mom can’t handle that she’s jeaopardizing 3 lives.
    I wish there was more I could do for you! I would throw you a baby shower, too! My Sister, Mom, and her best friend thew one of me with my twins. It was awesome. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with family doing the party. Its to celebrate the babies, not anything else.
    Take care of yourself, hun. And vent whenever you need to.

  16. Alison July 8, 2008 at 7:42 am #

    Oh LaLa, I am so sorry this is happening. I think you are in the right 100%. You made the only choice you could make considering your circumstances. Unfortunately I think you are going to have to stay a little while longer though. I mean, what choice do you have? This just sucks.

  17. Me July 8, 2008 at 10:24 am #

    My mother has boarderline personality disorder and acts similarly. I had a 4.0 GPA for my first 8 quarters in college for one reason: to get the f*ck out of my mother’s house. I do not speak to her any more at all. I hope for your sake your mother is nowhere near as bad as mine.

  18. Katie July 8, 2008 at 10:51 am #

    Oh hun, I really don’t have any advice just yet I simply wanted to send some ((hugs)). I understand the sobbing induced memory fog these past few days, and I do hope things get better for you soon.

  19. Io July 8, 2008 at 12:11 pm #

    Big hugs – I don’t think I could last a week with my parents before my head exploded. I have no good assvice, but good luck.

  20. kim abbott July 8, 2008 at 1:03 pm #

    i was just reading your blog and some of them are password protected. I wasnt sure where i got the password from or if you have to send it to me.

  21. Cindy F July 8, 2008 at 4:12 pm #

    I’m so sorry :o(
    When DP was in her last semester of LPN school (before she went on to RN school), I had a fantastic job offer out of state. We got a house and went ahead and moved and DP stayed behind and came down on Thursday nights until Sunday afternoon.

    The only apartments we could find for her were about $650 a month for a studio. We found a nice little 2 bedroom mobile home with a washer/dryer, water, sewage, cable , basic phone all included for $350 a month in a quiet mobile home park that had a few young families, but mostly retired folks. It was very well kept, each site had a pretty lawn with flowers. We thought it was a great deal and the sweet couple next door would always bring her fresh veggies from their garden. Maybe there’s something like that in your area?

    Good luck and ya’ll are in our prayers!

  22. S July 8, 2008 at 4:23 pm #

    Oh…I’m so sorry you are having such a tough day. I wish I had a wonderful answer to offer but I don’t. I do want you to know that you are doing a great job letting those little babies grow big in there. Hang in there and know that you have support here with us!!!

  23. Orodemniades July 8, 2008 at 6:37 pm #

    Clearly, your mom has issues she’s taking out on you. Maybe it’s jealousy over the attention you’re getting/will get, maybe she’s nuts. perhaps a combination of both.

    Babychaser said it all, though.

    I hope things improve before the babies are born.

  24. Amy July 8, 2008 at 6:48 pm #

    I agree with all of the PP — your situation sucks but I truly feel you need to be on bedrest and it is clear that your hubby desperately needs this transplant. Just think about how living with your parents right now will be but a distant memory one year from now. You’ll have your babies, your DH will be off dialysis (YAY) and you’ll be one big happy family. It’s hard to see the forest through the trees right now, but just try to hang tough. Big hugs.

  25. noswimmers July 8, 2008 at 8:15 pm #

    Oh hun…I’m so sorry. Its really unfortunate that you have to deal with such a stressful situation at a time like this. And its really crappy of your mom to be crabby about it! Doesn’t she realize that you don’t want to be there either?
    BUT you need to do whats best for your babies…and that means keeping your butt firmly planted in bed/on the couch. And that’s an order!
    I hope things improve, and I’m so sorry that she upset you so much today. Take it easy and know that I’m sending big hugs your way.
    **HUGS**

  26. hopeful July 9, 2008 at 12:27 pm #

    Just a thought, could it be that she is jealous of you? You are really close with your dad arn’t you? Maybe somewhere deep down she is jealous of your relationship. Eventually you will need to buy nappies when the babies are here and of course your not going to buy 1 pack, what does she think you will with them then?
    Don’t postpone hubbies op, he needs this, its life or death. Think bigger picture, maybe that will help you but I don’t know what will help your mother.

  27. Brandygirl July 9, 2008 at 5:36 pm #

    I read this post and I could so feel for you. It’s hard staying with your parents again, I totally get that. I have no answers for you. But if I were there with you, I’d throw you a baby shower πŸ™‚ *hugs*

  28. Emily Wallace January 20, 2009 at 11:46 pm #

    I can totally totally sympathize. My mother knows exactly how to push my buttons. I keep telling myself I can’t control her behavior but I can control my reaction to it. It’s not exactly true, but it is a goal that it’s helpful to work towards and I think believing that helps me get over the fights more quickly. I’m also pregnant and thinking about being a first time mom adds a whole other scary level to this mother daughter conflict. Good luck!! You’ll work through this.

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