More Terror

23 May

Well…I ended up in the ER again last night. This time I thought it was over for sure.

I got up yesterday and went to class. I came back home for lunch and started playing with my dog. When I bent over to pick up her toy I felt this gush – like I had peed my pants. Yep, you guessed it. Bright. Red. Blood.

So I immediately jumped in my car and raced to the ER. By the time I got there it had stopped. I checked in and they told me to wait in the waiting room but that they were out of rooms and that there were five ambulances waiting. Grrrreat. So I sat in the waiting room sobbing uncontrollably for about 30 minutes.

Finally I decided to get up and use the rest room. Everything was fine until I stood up to pull my pants up – I basically started hemorrhaging. So I ran back out to the waiting area and pounded on the glass to get the nurses attention, by this time I was terrified and hysterical (thinking all three of us are going to die now) and I asked if they could please see me now because I was bleeding all over the friggin place. Well, that got their attention!

Long story short, they did a REALLY long ultrasound and can’t find out why I was bleeding like that. It lasted all day and I was litterally soaking the medical chucks they kept putting underneath me. =( The babies are still alive though (I was REALLY shocked, I thought that there was no way they could survive that!) and my cervix is closed.

I had the nicest nurse who kept giving me hugs, wiping my face as I cried and panicked, and told me that she was going to go pray for me and my babies. Thank God for her, and the ultrasound tech who let me see the little ones for just a second, even thought they could get in big trouble for doing that he was risking his job for me.

Right now I am on bed rest again (big suprise). I have an appointment with my regular ob first thing on Tuesday. I think I am going to end up on bed rest for awhile – if not for the rest of the pregnancy. The doctors say that there is no proof that bed rest helps this sort of thing, but in my case it seems to.

I am still bleeding now, but much less and it’s not new blood anymore.

I’m sorry if this blog is totally disjointed. I am still somewhat in a state of shock and I am really having a tough time dealing with all of this. I am having some pretty strong feelings of guilt at the moment actually. All of those feelings of “I must not be able to get pregnant because I would make the worst parent in the world” feelings are rearing their ugly head and I am feeling guilty for pushing the issue.

I feel as though I forced this pregnancy and now my children are suffering the consequences. =( That may be crazy, but it’s now I’m feeling. I feel guilt over putting back 3 embryos and having one of them die, and I feel guilty that these two are now in such an unsafe place (inside of me).

Oh, and the weather has been incredibly strange for the past two days. We have been having tornadoes! (I live in So Cal!) Yesterday one touched down right by my house and tore up a train. Yikes.

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29 Responses to “More Terror”

  1. Nix May 23, 2008 at 11:20 am #

    Hugs to you! Hope the bleeding stops completely today.
    The same thing happenend to me at the beginning of my twin pregnancy and they initially couldn’t give me a reason for it. Eventually they put it down to placenta praevia which resolved itself at about 14-15 weeks. Did they check you for that?

  2. twondra May 23, 2008 at 11:43 am #

    Oh, sweetie. I have tears in my eyes as I’m reading this. I can’t believe the ER would treat you like that…that’s unbelievable and it makes me so mad. Keep us posted sweetie. We love you and the babies! (((HUGS)))

  3. Io May 23, 2008 at 12:07 pm #

    Oh my god. This must have been utterly terrifying. I’m glad the babies are still ok. I hope they figure it out and everything is ok… This is NOT your fault. NOT YOUR FAULT.
    You’ll be in my thoughts.

  4. Kate May 23, 2008 at 12:26 pm #

    I am so sorry that you were so scared and so glad that everyting is ok. I will be praying for you and your babies….

  5. futurewise May 23, 2008 at 12:27 pm #

    Sweety, I hope the bleeding will go away… You are in my thoughts and prayers… ((HUGS)) Hold on!

  6. Anne May 23, 2008 at 12:44 pm #

    Came over from Mel’s blog – one more thing to check for – did your dr do an internal exam? I had something similar to this, in that I would wake up bleeding every day for weeks, and the dr kept sending me for ultrasounds. The ultrasounds showed baby was fine, and my cervix was closed – but yet the bleeding continued. Finally, around 11 weeks, the dr decided to do a pap smear, and discovered a very large polyp on my cervix. This is what caused the bleeding (and still does at almost 39 weeks). In any event, just something I thought I would throw out there, in case this hasn’t been ruled out. I haven’t gone through all of your old posts, so I hope I am not being repetitive.

  7. Katie May 23, 2008 at 1:38 pm #

    Yikes, I am sorry this keeps happening. Thank GOD all is well for now and I will be praying that it stays that way.

  8. Ms. J May 23, 2008 at 1:57 pm #

    Sweetheart NONE of this is payback for past sins/misdeeds, or being caused by anything you have or have not done. I completely (and unfortunately) understand the compulsion to blame oneself, and I know that there is probably little any of us can do to reassure you otherwise. I am thinking of what my priest said to me, “If you had a friend in this exact situation, what would you say to her? Would you not then know it was NOT her fault?” He was right of course, and it was a perspective that has comforted me when I am having flashbacks.

    I am proud of you for pounding on that window and insisting they see you NOW! That is the kind of women those lil’ babies need!!! You did them, yourself, your hubby, and all of us proud! GO MAMA BEAR!

    If you wind up on bedrest I will be assigning you a whole slew of t.v. shows to watch for me, and report back on, for while I am in China, and those few first weeks when I am back and unable to watch anything other than Sesame Street, LOL.

    Now, deep breaths, LaLa . . . minute by minute right now . . . then you are going to move to hour by hour . . . . And you keep writing whenever you need us to cheer you on or up or distract you. I’ll be checking on you over the weekend.

    (HUGS)

  9. hopeful May 23, 2008 at 2:43 pm #

    OMG, I can’t believe that this is happening to you, It is one of my geatest fears tht after everything that we go through to fall pregnant, if we are to lose the babies, I don’t know if I could go on with trying again, BUT this will not happen to you. Positive thoughts, these little babies ae strong, as proved in the ultrasound, your cervix is CLOSED. Pleae God keep that cervix closed tight and make this bleeding go away.
    Your in my thoughts as you have been since day 1. XoXo

  10. Leah May 23, 2008 at 3:24 pm #

    I hope the bleeding stops quickly and stays away for good. I say take thee to thine bed, woman! And don’t you get up until those two babies are safely in your arms. Easier said than done (while keeping your sanity), I know. But if that’s what they tell you to do, then the Braces Bunch gals will make sure you have a steady stream of trash magazines and books to read.

  11. Michell May 23, 2008 at 4:33 pm #

    I sort of agree with the first comment. Have they been able to look at or see maybe where your placentas are?? Could be a previa. Hopefully it does quit doing that and while they may say that there is no proof bed rest works, if it helps then keep it up. Hugs to you. and Yikes, Tornados????

  12. twinboysmom May 23, 2008 at 5:29 pm #

    Like many others, I had bleeding at 12w and 15w that was unexplained and lasted a few days each time. I did have a partial placenta previa that was detected at 15 weeks and resolved itself by 18 weeks. It is such a scary thing and I hope nothing but the best for the rest of your pregnancy!! BTW, I was on pelvic rest from 12-18 weeks during this whole bleeding time then bed rest from 26 weeks on up.

  13. Amy May 23, 2008 at 5:48 pm #

    Eeek, I am so sorry you have been going through this!!! I find it hard to believe they can’t find the source of your bleeding. Did they check your placentas for a subchorionic hemorrhage? I don’t understand why they weren’t allowed to show you your babies — you deserved to see that they were doing okay! Huge hugs coming your way. Take it easy and I hope the bleeding stops ASAP. :::hugs:::

  14. Cibele May 23, 2008 at 6:59 pm #

    i AM SO SORRY, I AM GLAD THAT YOUR BABIES ARE FINE. HUGS

  15. noswimmers May 23, 2008 at 8:22 pm #

    OMG hun…how scary! I’m glad the nurse was so good to you–you needed a kind heart at that time. At least the little ones are still doing well. That’s so weird that they can’t find out where the bleeding is coming from! Is it possible that its still from the 3rd?
    And as far as having guilty feelings…STOP. Can you imagine how few people would be parents if no one underwent treatment? No clomid, no IUI, no IVF. These babies are meant to be in your life right now and DO NOT doubt that for a minute.
    Hang in there till your appointment, I’ll be thinking about you.

  16. Katie May 24, 2008 at 4:23 am #

    Oh hun, I am so sorry you had to go through this again =( Thank god for kind nurses….That is so strange about not figuring out where the bleeding is coming from, but I am super glad the babies are OK. Keep resting hun, and I hope this passes soon.

  17. samcy May 24, 2008 at 4:56 am #

    I cannot imagine how scary that must have been for you. BUT I am SO glad to hear that your babies are fine and strong. Thank God for that divine nurse and ultrasound tech… oh and please stop thinking that those babies are not meant to be, they are blessed to be in your tummy and you will do the best you can by them. Period. HUGS!!

  18. M May 24, 2008 at 6:36 am #

    I am so sorry for what you’ve been going through with this pregnancy. I will most definitely be checking in on you, and keeping you and the twins in my thoughts! I’m so glad that the u/s showed that they are both doing okay!

    Thanks for the comments on my blog as well.

  19. annacyclopedia May 24, 2008 at 6:57 am #

    Oh honey! It sounds so incredibly scary right now. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, wishing you and the babies health, and also wishing you peace and some gentleness with yourself. This is not your fault, and you are not to blame for anything. You are being such a strong mama, fighting for yourself and your babies, and you are doing everything right.

    I hope this crisis passes quickly and with a good outcome, and that it’s smooth sailing from here on out!

  20. sarah23 May 24, 2008 at 8:47 am #

    That sounds so scary! I’m glad that everything seems to be OK for the moment. Please take care of yourself and I hope your OB/GYN appt goes well on Monday.

  21. Michelle May 24, 2008 at 2:11 pm #

    Poor La La! I can only imagine the fear you were going through while you were waiting to find out if everything was okay, from that first gush to the moment you left the ER. You poor thing! I completely feel for you.

    Please, please, please don’t feel guilty. There is NO reason for that. You deserve to be a mother every bit as much as the women who get pregnant without help. Some of them don’t deserve to have children at all, and some of them get them when they don’t even want them. Think about your miracle as your way of helping God meet you half way. It is what you had to do to get pg. If you weren’t supposed to be, if God didn’t want you to be, you wouldn’t be. Does that make sense? For every negative thought you can think, there is a positive one to counter it. The last thing you need right now is to be hard on yourself.

    Loads of love, and loads of hugs.

  22. ultimatejourney May 24, 2008 at 4:47 pm #

    I’m so sorry about all the scares.

    I completely agree with what Michelle said about the guilt. You have nothing to feel guilty for, hon.

    I hope things go smoothly from here on out.

  23. Jill May 24, 2008 at 5:44 pm #

    Oh my gosh…how scary!

    I’m so glad they are putting you on bedrest. I’m praying for you and your babies!! Take care of yourself, k? Will check back in soon!

  24. DC May 24, 2008 at 7:17 pm #

    I am so glad you and the babies are OK. Please don’t feel guilty about putting in three embryos; I think many people in your situation (me included) would do the same thing.

    I’m thinking about you and wishing the best for you and your babies.

  25. Jendeis May 25, 2008 at 6:36 am #

    Go right ahead with venting and worrying here, honey. That’s what we’re here for. Much love and good thoughts to you and the babies. Take care of yourself! 🙂

  26. Babychaser May 25, 2008 at 8:37 am #

    Oh, lala, that sound so horrible! And it also sounds like you were all alone in the ER (that’s what my ectopic was like, and it was only months later that I realized how scary that was). You are so incredibly strong and brave, EXACTLY the kind of mother your babies need.

    Bed rest is going to suck big time, but you can handle that too.

    I imagine some answers would be the best thing you could hear right now. (Like, if your cervix is closed, where the hell is all that blood coming from???)

    Poor girl. Rest and pray (if you do that), and try to be kind to yourself. Self-flagellation isn’t helping anyone, and it’s going to make your ordeal that much harder.

    I’ll be thinking about you.

    Love,

    Babychaser

  27. sara May 26, 2008 at 4:44 am #

    Oh girl, I am really late posting this, but I am so sorry that you have to go through this super scary ride! I’m sorry that you have to be on couch arrest and worried so much. I wish I had my little zamboni man again to smooth the ride out for us both again – you even more so than me. How is your husband doing with everything? Sending you some hugs via express mail, okay?

  28. Ahuva Batya May 26, 2008 at 6:53 am #

    What an absolutely teffifying experience, and I am so very glad to hear all is well with you and the babies. I was holding my breath reading your entire post. Thank God all is well, and I hope that this bleeding stops, so that you can retain some peace of mind.

  29. Alicia May 27, 2008 at 8:01 am #

    My thoughts are with you…. and Im praying everything turns out ok.

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