Details, details, details

17 Apr

Let me start off by saying that I am TERRIFIED of going to my third ultrasound next week. I have this overwhelming feeling that they are going to find at least one identical in there. That said:

As soon as the RE put the dildo cam in everyone in the room went dead silent. I could see 3 of something, but the third one looked dark and small so I was thinking “Maybe a cyst or something??”.

Finally the nurse whispers (yes, WHISPERS) “How many did you find last time?”

RE: “Two”

Me: “Please tell me that’s not three!”

Nurse: “Has this ever happened before?”

RE: “Not from a 3 embryo transfer.”

Hubby: Eyes bugging out of head, squeezing the life out of my hand and unable to speak.

The RE said at first that the third one (the one that likes to hide) was too small and was likely not going to make it. BUT, after moving the probe around a bit it became clear that it was just the angle that the baby is at and that all three are actually doing just fine. All three have really strong heart beats. All of them are measuring behind, of course (between 6w3d and 6w5d, I was 7w1d yesterday) – but the doctor said that that was just because they were, well, CROWDED.

Of course the doctor immediately recommended selective reduction.

When we decided to transfer 3 embryos we had to sign paperwork saying that we would consider selective reduction if all three took (twice, in fact). It was something that Hubby and I were both praying would not actually come up – and needless to say we are REALLY shocked that all 3 took, no one expected that.

But I don’t think I could do it. I’ve heard the little heartbeats for pete’s sake!!

Part of me feels really weak for not being able to make a “military decision” (sacrifice for the greater good). But mostly I feel like this was not the ideal situation, but that the answer to that is not to kill one of the babies that we wanted so badly! All three chose to take, to fight, to try their damndest to make it into our arms and I just can’t go and off one of them.

I’m not saying its 100% off the table. If the doctors really manage to scare the shit out of me (more than I already am, that is) or perhaps if one of them stopped developing appropriately – I would *consider* it…but I am 90% sure that I just plain can’t do it. I understand that it would be for the best, I understand that all 3 (and I) could die if I don’t…but I think it would change me forever if I were to make a decision like that. I think right now our best bet is to pray.

And yes. Terrified doesn’t even begin to describe what I am feeling right now. When Hubby and I told everyone that it was 3 everyone either laughed or told us we were never going to sleep again. I am getting SO pissed! I know that someone who has never been anywhere close to where we are just assumes “Oh TRIPLETS, how cute!”. No one thinking about going into labor at 21 weeks and having them die in your arms, no one thinks about disabilities…Not to mention the fact that I am only 5 feet tall. Yeah.

I’m not really sure what else to say at this point. Bottom line is that this is NOT what we wanted, we are terrified for these children and terrified that we are making wrong decisions on their behalf. But, the only thing that feels right is to take a deep breath and give them all a chance. If they had enough fight in them to make it this far, then hopefully they will…well…you know…be ok somehow.

We have one more ultrasound next week and then we graduate to the high risk multiples doctor (can’t recall the official title at the moment).

Please start praying for us!


18 Responses to “Details, details, details”

  1. ultimatejourney April 17, 2008 at 8:25 am #

    OMG, I almost fell off my chair when I saw these two posts! Congrats and just OMG. I don’t know that I could do selective reduction either, even though three is a scary number.

    It seems that moving in with your parents will be a really good thing, because you’re going to need help, both later in the pregnancy and with the babies.

    I know it’s scary, but I know one blogger who had no complications with her triplet pregnancy and went to 35 weeks (when they induced her because apparently that’s as far as her peri wanted her to go.) Her babies all went home from the hospital the same day she did.

    Good luck!

  2. Trace April 17, 2008 at 8:40 am #

    Oh wow. I don’t know what to tell you except what we decided. I too am petite and the doctor told me that if I got pregnant w/more than twins it would be too much stress on my body (my MS and all) and to much for my physique. He went on to say I would be stuck on bedrest for the pregnancy. That being said we decided that if it came to that we would do selective reduction because for me it’s a real health issue.

    I do know of a blogger who has thriplets, and like me has medical conditions. I can pass on her email address and blog if you want.

  3. BlueBella April 17, 2008 at 8:46 am #

    Oh girl I feel for you and Hubby right now! (BTW Congratulations on #3!)

    You have a good outlook on things and the best bet is to just see how some of it pans out. It is still very early on and sometimes these decisions are made for us. . . like all 3 babies taking:0

    I’ll say a prayer for you all, too. Just know you will make the right decisions for your family based on the facts you are given, when the time is right. I too, know the heartache of being asked to not let a baby come to be. It is ok to say no to that, even if the circumstances aren’t perfect. It is also ok to be scared out of your mind. But just remember, science got you here, and it will get you through it, too. Yes, three is high risk, but it is not impossible. You are a VERY strong woman, and you can do it!

    Rest, relaxation and food are the best things you can do for yourself and your babies right now. You are going to have to do a lot of all 3 . . .for your 3 in the coming months.

    We’re here for you, doll. Deep breaths. You’re going to get through this, one step at a time!

    And here’s that book I was telling you about:

  4. Katie April 17, 2008 at 10:27 am #

    Oh hun, you definitely have my prayers. I can’t even imagine the overwhelming feeling you have right now…..hopeful and scared completely shitless at the same time. Yes, higher order multiples DO come with complications, all of which you need to consider heavily (oh, and I’m 5 ft tall too and I was worried about carrying twins back in the fall because of my size as well so I get that part completely). I think you are doing exactly what you need to be doing…absorbing it all, knowing what you heart says about reduction, but not slamming the door on it *if* as you say one isn’t growing right. Sometimes I think nature plays a role in this too, and nature will take of care of itself *if* it needs to. In the meantime I will be keeping you and your babies in my thoughts….you will do the right thing, and you WILL get through this.

  5. Nix April 17, 2008 at 12:13 pm #

    I can imagine how overwhelmed you must be feeling right now, at the start of my twins pregnancy they thought I was pregnant with triplets as well.
    It may help you to read Karen’s blog- she had triplets last year and is also “a little person”. If you want the address e-mail me.
    Good luck whatever you decide and congratulations on the pregnancy!

  6. Alison April 17, 2008 at 1:31 pm #

    I am still in shock over three! I cannot imagine what you and your Husband are going through and the decisions you are being faced with. I am praying for you! I hope in some way that you will find the right answer for you.

  7. Amy April 17, 2008 at 2:00 pm #

    Oh my God! I have no other words to say than congratulations and good luck sweetie. I can only imagine how scared you must be feeling and I can’t say that I envy your position right now. I’ll be saying prayers for you and your 3 little beans. Best of luck with your decision. :::hugs:::

  8. sara April 17, 2008 at 2:07 pm #

    Wow. Talk about a lot to process all at once, huh? The good thing is that you don’t have to make any decision right now. You have time to think things over and see how things play out. You and your husband will come to a decision that both of you are most comfortable with, and that’s all that matters – even if both options are not easy ones. We had to sign all kinds of stuff about selective reduction also due to my unicornuate uterus. Twins for me are like quads for everyone else since I only have half of a uterus. Even though I thought years ago, there is no way I could ever do a reduction…my uterus forced me into being open to all options. That said, if on an ultrasound they told me there was two… I wouldn’t know what the hell to do. So I understand your conflicting emotions. Tough decisions! I’m always here to listen and will offer my support no matter what option you choose!

  9. Babychaser April 17, 2008 at 4:51 pm #

    Oh my god. Don’t take this the wrong way, because I mean it in the most understanding way possible, but what you are experiencing is my worst nightmare. I’ve been thinking about in incessantly for the last week. This is the third time we’ve transferred three, and I’m still childless, so you’d think I wouldn’t fret so much. But we’ve made some lifestyle changes to improve the quality of our embryos, and I’ve got three little ones percolating in me right now, and holy crap I would freak out if all three hung on.

    You are so strong and so amazing. I don’t know what I would do in your shoes. We never had to sign anything about selective abortion, and I think we’ve always assumed that if three took we’d try to see them all through. But I’m not at all sure of that, and frankly I think I’d seriously consider taking what I presume is the “easier” road.

    Can I ask a personal medical question? If the littlest, “hiding” one doesn’t make it, will losing him/her put the others at risk? (If that’s too horrible to think about/answer, just forget I said it.)

    Oh, and I would be PISSED if people were laughing about this. I’m not even sure I can handle twins. Trips is NO JOKE.

    Keep us posted, hon. Just remember there are no wrong answers here. You don’t have a crystal ball and you can’t know what the future brings no matter what you decide. So just do what your heart tells you.

    God, that was cheesy.

  10. noswimmers April 17, 2008 at 5:11 pm #

    OMG sweetie…I’m not the praying type, but I’ll definitely say a prayer for you tonight.

    I can’t imagine the stress you’re under right now, having to make a decision like that. I know what you mean about hearing the heartbeat; they all of a sudden become “real”.

    I would just wait to see what your new doc says. Hang in there hun, I’ll be thinking about you.

  11. futurewise April 17, 2008 at 10:49 pm #

    Sweety, don’t judge too soon. There’s no indication things are going to be bad. It is good that two of you are taking this seriously, but have to stop worrying because that kind of stress is your enemy no. 1. So, take a deep breath and wait for the ultrasound and I am sure that things will be fine. My prayers are with you…

  12. twondra April 18, 2008 at 3:23 am #

    Definitely in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there sweetie! We’re all here for you!

  13. givi April 18, 2008 at 8:24 am # Thought this was an interesting article you might enjoy reading. 3 identical + 1 after 2 embies were implanted…

  14. Hopeful April 18, 2008 at 1:36 pm #

    OMG, the thoughts that must be running through your mind! I am in the same boat as you in the thinking that teminating one would be heart renching and life altering on your part. I understand (although could never totally as never been in your situation) that this is terrifying but again in saying that, you hvae 3 babies, that is a miracle and I think that God as spoken already when allowing that to happen in the first place. I know that it was medically placed in you but your body with nature had them implant. How any others go through the cycle and nature doesn’t have them implant.

    I know that you have allot to think about, what to put yourself, hubby and those babies through. Sleep on it and I’m sure the right answer for you will come to YOU. When is the dead line for your decision?

    Either way, good luck and keep the faith, you’ll make the right decision.

  15. Vanessa April 18, 2008 at 3:23 pm #

    WOW! Im so thrilled for you two 😀 I know this is going to be hard and scary at times, but I know god has a plan for you and he will never give you more than you can handle 😉 Even though at times it feels like the opposite! I think your doing the right thing, give those little miracles a chance to shine,

  16. Miss Conception April 18, 2008 at 5:54 pm #

    My mouth is hanging open. I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling right now. You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers. There is no easy answer, but know that we are all here supporting you every step of the way. Deep cleansing breaths.

  17. Michell April 18, 2008 at 7:48 pm #

    Wow. This is a lot. Hopefully the visit with the perinatologist (high risk doc) can give you a better idea of what is going to happen etc. Yes, there are risks, but it also can be done too. I worked NICU for almost a year and saw several healthy groups of triplets. It is scary though and I will send many hopes that this all turns out in the best possible way.

  18. Michelle April 18, 2008 at 8:33 pm #

    Holy sh*t! THREE?!?! Okay, three is exciting, and it is also scary. I know we had the potential for 5 one time, and I remember praying that if we had multiples that it ended at two because three would just be too much. We’d need a bigger house, a bigger car, etc. So I have a pretty good idea of the thoughts going through your head.

    I don’t think I could opt for selective reduction either. How could you pick and choose? If there is the possibility of choosing wrong, what if you pick wrong? My heart completely goes out to you. All you can do is pray and hope.

    I’m not sure if you have ever seen the TV show “Jon and Kate Plus 8.” They went through fertility treatments twice and got twins the first time and sextuplets the second time. If you haven’t heard about them before, I highly recommend you visit their website. You could draw strength from them and their experience. I have a link to their website on my blog, its the one for the Gosselin Family. Definitely check it out. I know that if you email Kate, she will read it, and it is highly likely she will email you back.

    You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs and all my love!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: