Saying Goodbye

25 Feb

When I got home from work (just now) I found out that my great grandmother (who has been on hospice for awhile now) appears to have had a stroke and is not expected to live more than another few days – at most. Apparently she is unconscious and they say she could go at any moment. I have several decisions to make in the next few hours now;

1) Do I want to drive out to San Diego (about an hour from my home) to say goodbye…or do I want to remember her the way she was? My mom says she will not know if I am there or not now…which I am not sure if I believe. But I also don’t think she would mind if I didn’t come…and I am not sure if I can handle seeing that…but I also don’t like the idea of just sitting around waiting for the phone call…

Its so strange because weekend before last I went out there and sat with her for a few hours (she slept most of the time). When I left she made a big deal of saying goodbye to me…like she knew it was the last time. I noticed it at the time…but ignored it because I didn’t want it to be true….but she knew.

2) I have a test tomorrow. I was about 1/2 way finished studying for it when I got the news…and now there is no way I will be able to focus. I wrote my teacher to ask if he would mind letting me make it up later – but my Granie was always adamant that I not mess up my schooling because of her. I am the first one in my family to graduate from college and she is/was very excited about it. I don’t think making up the test because of this will be a big deal…but if I have to make one up like I was planning when I do my embryo transfer they might start getting a little pissed off at me.

Which brings me to;

3) Do I put off my IVF cycle now? I sort of think I must. I am going to be so upset during the next few weeks – and that is really not going to help my chances. Plus, I cannot end up on bed rest during the funeral!! Also, I have a strong feeling that if I do my cycle AFTER she passes, that it will be successful because she will make it happen for me once she is on the other side. I know that prolly sounds nutty, but…I guess if you knew my Granie you would know what I mean.

Do you think I can do that – or is it already too late? I’ve been on Lupron for a week…I guess I’d have to buy another bottle, which I don’t mind.



13 Responses to “Saying Goodbye”

  1. noswimmers February 25, 2008 at 7:24 pm #

    Your grannie sounds like a very sweet person…someone who wouldn’t want you to miss out on your schooling, etc. But as far as the IVF cycle, that something you’ll have to think about–maybe her spirit will guide you in the future.
    Sorry I’m not much help, but I wish you the best.
    And BIG HUGS for you and grannie.

  2. Vanessa February 25, 2008 at 7:32 pm #

    Oh, How I wish I had some good advise or words or wisdom for you 😦 Im sorry that your loosing your grannie, that must feel horrible. As far as the IVF stuff, I really dont know what to say other than you should follow your heart and intuition.

    Best of luck


  3. Amy February 25, 2008 at 8:24 pm #

    I am so sorry that your Granie is so sick, hun. I can only imagine the stress you are feeling right now. :::hugs::: It is a tough call on what to do, but I agree that you should follow your instinct and do what you think will be best for you in the long run. It sounds like you are leaning toward postponing IVF and possibly postponing the test, which may the sanest route, after all. What do you think your Granie would want you to do? You mentioned she wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your schooling; do you think she would say the same about IVF? Regardless of when you have a child, I’m sure she’ll be smiling down on you, so you just need to follow your heart.

  4. Michell February 25, 2008 at 8:36 pm #

    I’m so sorry about your granny. I hope whatever you decide about the IVf it will be a good choice for you.

  5. Hopeful February 26, 2008 at 2:45 am #

    I am so sorry to hear about your gran. I only knew one of my grandparents which was my mothers mum. She was soo sweet. She to had a stroke and I do remember her in the nursing home that way but I do also remember her the way she was before that fateful day. I don’t think that I would take back being at the hospital and how even though she didn’t seem to recognise me, she certainly did recognise my baby niece. But that decision is yours to make and it is a very hard one. As for giving up your IVF treatment this time around. I think I remember you typing that she was also excited about you trying for a baby. I don’t think that she would want you to give up on that either. I believe as one is leaving another is entering, maybe that will be your miracle.

    I don’t know if you will go to see her one last time but all I can say is I hope you don’t have any regrets. If you see her I don’t think that you will regret having seen her but if you don’t, you may have the what if’s. I also think that your memories of your gran living life will outway your memories of seeing her as she is right now.

    Good luck on your decision and I am thinking of you. XOXO

  6. twondra February 26, 2008 at 3:45 am #

    I’m soooo sorry sweetie. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    My opinion is that you should go see her…but that’s just my opinion. 🙂 I’m worried that you’ll regret it later. It’ll be tough to see her like that, but like pp said, the other memories will outweigh these. When my grandma passed away, she had a stroke and had a few days to live and I went and saw her every day…..I just wanted to cherish my last days with her and talk to her even if she didn’t know I was there. I’m glad I did now. When my father-in-law passed away, Mark didn’t want to see him and remember him the way he was. I regret so much now not going to see him and I still struggle with that. But, ultimately, it’s your decision, sweetie! And no matter what you decide, it’s okay. 🙂 Do what you feel is right in your heart.

    As far as IVF, I don’t know sweetie…that’s a tough call. I know you’ll make the right decision, though.

    Lots of love, hugs and prayers coming your way! 🙂

  7. Ms. J February 26, 2008 at 8:04 pm #

    She sounds so very special — makes me miss mine. No clue what is the best decision for you, especially with so many things to consider. Sending lots of support, though.

  8. Kathy V February 27, 2008 at 12:02 pm #

    I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Hugs of support to you as you make difficult decisions.

  9. S February 27, 2008 at 1:21 pm #

    I am so sorry for you. Grandmothers are special people. Whatever decision you make about school and IVF will be the right one for you. Hugs!

  10. FiestyKel February 27, 2008 at 2:15 pm #

    So sorry for your loss. 😦

  11. Michelle February 27, 2008 at 3:53 pm #

    Poor granny. 😦 My last grandparent died last November, a day before her 91st b-day. Its so hard to let them go, but sometimes its for the best. I found comfrot in the fact that my granny was so old and had lived a wonderful life. She didn’t want for anything. Mine passed away while I was in Texas for Thanksgiving, and I had a hard time deciding if I wanted to cut my trip short and go home for the funeral, so I know exactly how you feel. I ended up going home because I wanted to be there and because I was still in pain from my surgery. I have to agree with another commentor on this one in that you need to do what you think you will regret the least. That includes going to be with your granny as well as haulting the IVF cycle. Once you make your decision, don’t second guess yourself or change your mind. Know that you made the best decision possible under the circumstances. You owe yourself at least that much grace. It will all work out.


  12. ultimatejourney February 27, 2008 at 5:41 pm #

    I’m so very sorry to hear about your great grandmother. I hope seeing her will help you make a decision about your cycle.

  13. Hopeful February 28, 2008 at 2:18 am #

    Just checking in to see how your doing?

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