The Meltdown

14 Feb

My meds came today. And my calender. And my consent forms. Tomorrow morning is our Lupron class/appointment. Is it too late to change my mind? This all just seems like way too much. Too much money, stress, pain, uncertainty….for just a CHANCE at having a baby?! I feel like I feel down the rabbit hole. I can’t believe I am doing this. I thought I would be excited. I’m NOT excited – I’m terrified. Not of the pain, I don’t care about that, but that we are going to do all of this for nothing.

I know we have to chase our dreams. I know we have to try. But it is so damn terrifying, I almost wish we hadn’t gone down this path.

I have decided not to tell my work about the IVF. I think they would be fine with it, but I believe that (though it will all be subconscious) me taking a ton of time off to get knocked up, to then take MORE time off (maternity leave) is going to impact my career. And I love my job. SO, according to my calender my egg retrieval will happen between 3/10 and 3/12 and my transfer will be 3/13 – 3/15. I am planning on telling my work that I am going on vacation from the 13th to the 20th? That way I’ll be out for a week right around my embryo transfer…then I only need the one day off for the retrieval (I’ll tell them I have a migraine or something I guess). ::sigh::

I hate lying. But I just can’t bring myself to tell the truth…not only do I fear for my job – but I also just plain don’t want them to know about it. I don’t want people looking at me sympatheticly if it doesn’t work.

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6 Responses to “The Meltdown”

  1. Michelle February 14, 2008 at 9:28 pm #

    Wow. I really feel for you. I don’t envy the position you are in right now. I too have a hard time with spending the money at only a chance at getting pg. Its so damned frustrating. Its beyond frustrating. On top of that, it all seems so unfair that people who want children so badly, and who would love them more than someone who got pregnant easily, can’t have them. I really do wish you the best of luck if you continue with the treatment. Please know that you will be in my prayers and thoughts as you embark on this journey.

  2. twondra February 15, 2008 at 4:26 am #

    Awww, sweetie, I’m sorry. I can understand not wanting to tell anyone…that would be hard. Hang in there! We’re all here for you!!

  3. futurewise February 15, 2008 at 5:17 am #

    Unfortunately that is the only possible path to our goal/dream (whatever you call it).
    I had to tell to my boss and only because she is in the similar situation. But sometimes I wish I didn’t. Be brave now, girl! ((HUGS))

  4. Amy February 15, 2008 at 11:21 am #

    Aww, I know how you feel. Try to think positively! You WILL get pregnant and you WILL have a happy and healthy baby. You have to believe it will happen. I’m trying to direct my worrying thoughts into positive things, and though I’m not perfect by any means, I think it’s helping. Hang in there, your time will come.

  5. BlueBella February 15, 2008 at 6:28 pm #

    Be brave, girl – you’ve come this far . .. you can do it!!!!!

    Don’t think about it, just do it. It’s your BABY, after all.

    You are a STRONG, STRONG woman and there is no doubt you can do this and get through it with flying colors.

    Screw what your work may think . . .right now it’s none of their business. It’s only their business if you want it to be.

    Deep breaths . . I’m praying for you.

  6. Trace February 16, 2008 at 5:13 am #

    I went for the first 4 months of testing & IUIs w/out saying a word. I’ve been out so much that I finally mentioned we were working w/a fertility clinic to my 2 coworkers who have to fill in when I’m not there. After the whole adoption that fell through I felt the same way about not wanting sympathy. I was SO RELIEVED we hadn’t told anyone except our employers because we had to arrange for time off.

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