15 Jan

So, my OBGYN just called. From his personal cell phone. At 8pm.

At this point you have to be pretty sure its something bad, right? lol

Apparently he got my lab results back today (remember the cultures and the 17 vials of blood?). He said everything came back normal except that I have ureaplasma. He seemed to think it was not that big of a deal, but I couldn’t figure out why he would call me at night just for that…so I googled it.

Not good.

Apparently its an STD which causes all sorts of problems…mainly infertility. There is a whole list of side effects, but the main cause for concern is that it causes infections in the tubes and PID. Since I am having that pelvic pain (ahhh, it all makes sense now…doesn’t it?) I have a sinking feeling that its caused some scar tissue by now. I’m also terrified that my tubes are infected and they are going to have to take them out, hydro-tubes (infected fallopian tubes) are often caused by this bacteria/virus apparently.

Its funny too, because the doctor called right after Hubby told me that his dad just told him today that he didn’t think he was going to be able to get the loan for us. We were talking about going back to donor IUI after all these tests were done for one last try before moving on to adoption.

On the bright side I guess its better that we haven’t wasted any more money than we already have on donor sperm…

I know I’m being a total downer right now. I’m really sorry guys. But I am just so exhausted. I am so tired of fighting and fighting only to be knocked down over and over again. I feel like I am fighting a current…is this God (or whomever) trying to tell me that we are not meant to be pregnant? It sure feels like it. I’ve always believed that if you keep coming up against walls while trying to pursue something, then maybe you are not going in the direction you are supposed to be going and that is the universes way of telling you to knock it off, to move in another direction. This doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in perseverance and hard work – I most certainly do – but there is a difference between being tenacious, and running repeatedly into a brick wall and not having the sense to stop or go around it.

Maybe that’s the point I’m at. I don’t know. I don’t know when I will know. But I know that I am getting very, very tired. I really, really wish I didn’t want this so badly. I wish I knew how to be happy about a life without children.

I am just so scared of being alone. Hubby has very serious health problems. I am an only child. I have no cousins (none who are closely related, or whom I have a relationship with), and everyone in my family is getting old (even my parents). My great grandmother is on her death bed right now….and I am SO terrified that one day, when I am old and dying like she is now…I am going to be all alone. Its not the only reason why I want children (not even close), but it is a huge part of what terrifies me about it never happening.

I’m sorry to be such a bummer today. Hopefully they won’t find much damage (or any at all) when they go in next month and the $ for the IVF will fall out of the sky. Birds will sing. We’ll get knocked up on our first try. Then we’ll win the lotto….

Hey, a girl can dream! =)

**UPDATE** Apparently it is NOT an STD, I misunderstood. It *is* sexually transmitted, but that is not the only way that someone can get it.


10 Responses to “Ureaplasma….WTF?”

  1. twondra January 15, 2008 at 12:44 pm #

    Sweetie, I’m so sorry. Man, I wish something would go right for you. I hope everything works out and the IVF is a huge success…maybe twins or trips? 🙂 There’s a reason IVF was given to you guys and a reason it was cheaper.

    Don’t worry about being a “downer”. We are all entitled to those days sweetie. I’m sending you lots of hugs!

  2. JJ January 15, 2008 at 7:22 pm #

    Im sorry hun…its SO frustrating not knowing the PERFECT way to reach your goal…you are allowed to feel and express whatever you need to-we are here for you! HUGS…

  3. orodemniades January 15, 2008 at 8:55 pm #

    It’s just one thing after another, isn’t it? Can it be treated at all?

  4. A January 15, 2008 at 11:10 pm #

    I am so very sorry. I hope you are having a better day today.

    You’ve been tagged – see my blog for details!

  5. ChelleBez January 15, 2008 at 11:58 pm #

    I think you and I are in the same depression boat. Maybe its just winter blues? But like you, I am sooooo tired of this crap. I think we both need vacations to a beachy place far away from fertility clinics and everything they include. We need off this crappy fertility roller coaster.

    I just pray that one day this all ends the way WE want it to end, with minature versions of ourselves in our arms.

    Lots of hugs,

  6. Vanessa January 16, 2008 at 7:07 am #

    O goodness, that sucks. So does that mean that they will not do IVF because of this virus?

    I totally agree about the whole running into the brick wall, door closed thing. I think that god does give us signs, and when everything we do fails, its a major sign. But, Im still praying that the whole IVF thing still happens for you, and yes that money will fall out of the sky 😀 LOL

  7. futurewise January 16, 2008 at 7:50 am #

    Hold your horses, girl!
    Don’t quit because of that. It can be treated (both you and your hubby need treatment) and maybe it didn’t have time enough to cause any damage! And if it did- there’s always IVF (which will bypass the allegedly scarred tissue). And, by the way, you will know for sure after laparscopy, so don’t give up because of “a maybe”…
    And feel free to let it all out- I totaly understand you. ((hugs))

  8. Michell January 16, 2008 at 8:42 pm #

    I’m sorry about this news but try (yes I’m not very good at this either) not to be certain of the worst until it arrives. Prepare for ok, but don’t expect it. I do know what it’s like though as I have imagined many different horrible ends to my IVF cycle. Hang in there and I hope you get good news from your upcoming lap. Oh and thanks for the nomination, I will have to post that in the next day or so on my blog.

  9. noswimmers January 16, 2008 at 9:24 pm #

    Wow…I’m so sorry. Its just blow after blow, isn’t it? I know how it feels to be doing so much yet getting nowhere. Hopefully your doc will be able to use this information to your advantage.

    Hang in there, I’m rooting for you!

  10. RainbowMomma January 18, 2008 at 1:58 am #

    GOSH! I’m really sorry you ahve been hit with this cr*p!!! It reallu s*cks! I know you will find a way to be a mom….even if it means changing directions. I’ll be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

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