All Questions & No Answers

3 Jan

I am so upset right now I can’t even cry. I want to, but I’m so angry I can’t even unwind enough for the tears to come. I am so frustrated I don’t even know which way to turn anymore. I don’t understand why this is so hard and I don’t understand why I have to go to work everyday and watch crack whores play with the children that they scrambled by taking drugs while pregnant and then abused and/or neglected after they were born AND I CAN’T EVEN HAVE ONE! Why do I keep hitting walls with this? Am I that horrible? Would I be a worse mother than these women I work with day in and day out? The only answer I see here that makes any sort of sense is that perhaps I am meant to take those very same children who these women can’t care for and give them a stable, loving home. Maybe that’s the case. Maybe I should just stop trying to swim upstream with this whole TTC thing.

I called the OBGYN’s office today to see if they had submitted the paperwork for my laprascopy yet and the receptionist told me that they had just sent it off today (it took a week!?). She then asked me if my insurance covered infertility at all and I told her that it did not. She told me that she didn’t see why I was trying to schedule this procedure then because they were not going to cover it. I tried to tell her that the doctor had told me that he was going to submit it because of my painful periods and not as infertility, but she cut me off and (in a very bitchy tone of voice) informed me that she had just submitted the paperwork herself and that it clearly said infertility all over it. She also informed me that she had submitted my charts as well and they also said “infertility” all over them. I am so, so, SO pissed off at this doctors office I am not sure if I even want to show up there for my pelvic exam tomorrow because I am afraid of what I am going to say and/or do to these fucking idiots! Either the doctor or the receptionist must be completely freaking retarded!! Oh yeah. They also told me that they were currently scheduling laprascopys for mid February. ::screams & pulls hair::

Now what the hell am I supposed to do?

In a fit of rage-fueled impulsiveness I called the sperm bank and asked them to overnight me some swimmers (we’ll see if they even get here in time to be of any use). They are supposed to come on Friday. Hubby was not pleased that I did that…So I then called the fertility clinic and asked for a consultation. They told me that that would normally cost $250 but because Hubby has Kaiser and because they have a good relationship with my doc (blah, blah, blah) that it would only be $80 and that they could see me first thing tomorrow morning. Well, I guess that’s good news at least.

I guess I am hoping that a) I have not ovulated yet, b) that the sperm will get here before I do ovulate c) that the clinic will be able to help me with the egg I am just about to drop and the sperm that are just about to arrive. Will they be able to figure out a way to help me that quickly? Will they be willing to work with sperm that has been shipped to my house????

I need to breathe. I need to stop grinding my teeth. I need to not freak the hell out like I am doing right now because it is all out of my hands anyway.

Oh yeah; and I have to finish and send off my application for grad school….like NOW. I’ve been stalling and stalling about this because I am terrified of what to say in the letter of intent. The prompt says: “Attach to your application a letter of intent that describes your area of interest and goals in relationship to the M.A. program at [University Name]. You may describe your interest in anthropology, past anthropological fieldwork or related experiences, why you are interested in our program, what you intend to do with the degree, and other intellectual goals and interests.”

I have a letter written, but I’m pretty sure its utter crap. Anyone have any experience with this sort of thing and/or willing to proof read? I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Yeeesh. I bet my blood pressure is through the roof right now! lol


9 Responses to “All Questions & No Answers”

  1. twondra January 3, 2008 at 12:07 pm #

    Aww, sweetie, I’m sooo sorry. I can’t imagine the frustration you’re feeling right now. I’m sorry. I really don’t have any great words of encouragement. Know that in the end when you’re holding your baby in your arms, it’ll all be worth it.

    I’m always here for you and thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

  2. Michell January 3, 2008 at 4:34 pm #

    I am so sorry. I would definitely go to the appointment for your pelvic or whatever and talk to the doctor and tell him how upset you are. I would also complain about the nurse. As nurses we are taught to be compassionate. Unfortunately there are way to many nurses who have been doing this way to long or who have gotten into it for the wrong reasons and they don’t have compassion, it’s all about a paycheck. I’m also sorry about the stress of your job and how that contributes to the pain of IF. That was part of the reason I decided not to work NICU anymore, it was just to painful and scary. Hang in there and good luck with the RE, I hope it goes well.

  3. JJ January 3, 2008 at 5:07 pm #

    Whew, I got tired and stressed out for you just reading your post=( I get in that mood where I just cant calm down sometimes. I just want you to know Im thinking about you today and hoping things start to fall into a calmer place.

  4. Trace January 3, 2008 at 5:36 pm #

    Oh my gosh! What a situation! I hope you’ll let us know how the fertility clinic appointment went?

  5. rebecca January 3, 2008 at 6:43 pm #

    I’m sorry for your frustration … I’ve just found your blog and have been “catching up” and see how days like this can feel like you’ve run head first into a stop sign. 😦

    Not that my opinion matters, but … I think you should go to your appt. and share your nurse frustration with the dr. and hopefully the RE will be most helpful!

    As for the essay for application … read it out loud … often as the author you can hear hiccups when you read aloud … good luck.


  6. orodemniades January 3, 2008 at 9:58 pm #

    Wow, what a terrible nurse/receptionist/dumb person. If you can stand it, speak to or write a letter to the clinic coordinator or your doctor about that woman’s behavior, which is a poor excuse for any body working in a health related office.

    Good god. I hope things improve soon.

  7. vanessa January 3, 2008 at 11:13 pm #

    Ok, Hon, deep breath, It will all work out. I agree with michelle, I would make sure to tell your doctor how upset you are, they need to know so that they can improve. But at the same time I would keep that appt. with the new doc.. if its meant to be it will all just work.

  8. Roxymommy January 4, 2008 at 3:08 am #

    I am so sorry about the bitch at the Dr’s office. I feel angry for you. Just keeping standing up for yourself and don’t by shy about giving her back some of her crap. I do hope everything goes well for your current cycle.

  9. promisestokeep January 4, 2008 at 4:00 pm #

    Hey Sweetie!

    I am trying to catch up.. wow!! You are really rolling!! I am so hopeful for you!

    Was anything I said helpful to you at all? I hope I was in the “supportive” category and didn’t make things more stressful for you.

    I haven’t read back very far yet but it sounds like you are getting “unstuck” from the rut your GYN was in.

    As for the grad school letter…I’m pretty good at that sort of thing being a professional writer and all…giggling. I wrote my way into Law school and helped DH write his way into Hopkins…shoot me an email with the letter and I’ll take a look at it.

    No promises…time is incredibly tight for me right now…but I’ll see what I can do. I can at least proof it and give you some pointers.

    Good luck in everything this week. Keep me up to date.

    Dr. Kerr

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