I am SO weak!

20 Nov

I took a test today. I know, I KNOW! Its only 6 DPO…what the heck was I expecting, right? It was SO negative…I didn’t even get a freaking evap line! Ha.

I am really bummed. I didn’t think I would be. And I don’t mean about the negative test (I knew when I did it that getting a BFP at 6 DPO was a loooooong shot, I mean I really think we waited too long to insem. Maybe I am just looking for excuses not to get my hopes up, but I got my first positive OPK at 9:30pm and I didn’t do the first insem until the next day at 1:30pm…so that could have been a full 24 hours after my surge and I think I should have done it at 12 hours. Next time I am ordering 3 vials and doing 12, 24, and 36 hours. I also found a midwife (finally!)…so one of them will be IUI. If next month doesn’t work I am just gonna friggin cry.

I am feeling NO symptoms BTW. Nothing that can’t be explained by the progesterone anyway (which I am thinking about easing off of, actually). Ugh. I didn’t want to be like this (obsessed). Who IS this woman!?!?!

Alright. I’ll lay it out on the line. I am terrified that I cannot get pregnant. Really. Seriously. It scares the crap out of me.

*******WARNING: Reallllllly Long Rant Ahead – SORRY***********

When I was 18 years old I developed cervical cancer. It was caught right away and I was very, VERY lucky that it was non-invasive and remained that way. Basically I had cancerous tumors growing on my cervix which were watched very carefully and I was put on a strict diet and vitamin regime (to get my body as healthy as possible to see if it would reabsorb the tumors). Wonder of all wonders…it worked. The tumors lasted only a month or two but I had abnormal paps for about 3 or 4 years. Since then everything has been 100% normal (they do regular biopsies of my cervix). Ok, a little hic-up in the reproductive area…pretty OK though, right?

Well, I also did the Depo-povera thing for about 3 years. Then the pill for another 3. When I went off of all of that I only had a period every other month for about 2 years. My OBGYN put me on Clomid for one month because he suspected that I was annovulatory and BAM, semi regular periods ever since (28-32 days) but with mid cycle spotting and the occasional short luteal phase. Ok, a little dicey…but whatever.

Fast forward to the present day: all of a sudden – about 4 months ago – I started having KILLER cramps on CD1 EVERY month. I am talking about curl up in a ball, crying my eyes out, give me the morphine CRAMPS…and I have never had cramps before, EVER.

I went to the gyno last month to see what the hell was going on now and he said that it sounded a lot like endomitriosis but that he had never heard of it occurring so late in life. He did an exam to check for lesions but found none (prolly not endo then, I guess). After that he said that all the could offer was to do a laprascopy to see if he could figure out the problem but that his advice was to either get pregnant or get on the pill because whatever was happening was not good. WONDERFUL! I am hoping its just cysts…now that I think of it I am sort of ticked that he didn’t volunteer to do an ultrasound for that. Hmmm.

Anyhow the kicker as that ever since that whole cancer fiasco I have not been able to imagine myself pregnant. I can’t fathom it, I can’t picture it…is this a normal TTC thing or is this my body trying to tell me to give up the dream??


3 Responses to “I am SO weak!”

  1. twondra November 20, 2007 at 11:49 am #

    Awwww, sweetie, I’m so sorry. TTC is so tough and your body will do weird things to your mind. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wondered if I even have a uterus. 🙂 I’ve gotten so frustrated and just felt like so much less of a woman. But, this journey is sooooo tough and once we get our babies in our arms, it’ll all be a memory….and that will happen! 🙂

    First of all, 6DPO is waaaay too early. 🙂 Don’t stop the progesterone!!! And your timing doesn’t sound that bad. A lot of women get pregnant with that timing and a lot of women have no symptoms. Hang in there…I know that’s hard. Do something fun with your hubby…go out to dinner, to a movie, go Christmas shopping…get your mind off it.

    Hang in there! Vent anytime! (((HUGS)))

  2. Trace November 20, 2007 at 10:28 pm #

    Ok, I confess, I tested today also. It has been a full week. I had the insemination 7 days ago. I tested in the middle of the day and didn’t get ANY lines (positive or negative). Maybe there wasn’t enough pee on the stick? I felt it and it was wet… Ok, I’m waiting until atleast this weekend to test again and I have the blood test on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving.

    You have voiced my biggest fears (I never had cancer or anything). Dr. Sensitive tested me out the the wazoo, and assured me that I have no fertility problems, but I am convinced that I do. Mentally I keep thinking that since my husband is infertile it would be just our luck for me to have the most feared ‘unexplained infertility’.

    This time period totally bites the big wean as we say in our little household. You have been checked and EVERYTHING is normal. Try not to lose hope!!!

  3. Michell November 21, 2007 at 12:40 am #

    Hang in there. It’s only 6dpo which is way to early for a positive hpt, heck it’s too early for a positive blood test. I understand your fears about the cervical cancer but I really think that it’s all going to be fine.

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