Order Placed =/

2 Nov

Well, I did it. I placed the order. Two vials of sperm are on their way to me next Thursday. I can’t believe this is actually happening. After I placed the call I had to go sit in the hot shower for a long time and just try not to pass out. We have been talking about this for so long that it feels surreal now that its actually happening. I am excited that we are finally going to be having a baby soon, but I am SO sad that its not going to be Hubby’s biological child…he would make such beautiful babies. =-(

I am oscillating wildly between being elated and panicking. There are some aspects of seeking fertility treatments that simply cannot be put into words. The best I can do is to say that it all feels too deliberate. When you are having a baby by making love it may be very, VERY planned…but in the end it was still something that you were going to be doing anyway and it is still an act of love…a very natural act. Then, before you know it, you have a baby. When you have to do an insemination, for example, it is very unpleasant, embarrassing and awkward. This – at least in my case – is making me question everything from time to time. Do I really want to do this? Do I REALLY want kids? What if I have this baby in this way and then wish I hadn’t? What if Hubby can’t bond? Is this REALLY the right time in my life for this? Etc, Etc, Etc. ::Sigh::

So, I am just holding by breath and jumping in (yes, like how you jump into a swimming pool on the first day of summer). Hubby actually seems to be very excited about it, which surprises me a bit. He is even talking about mixing his swimmers with the donor’s for “one last shot”. I want to think that that is a good thing, but I’m really not sure.


4 Responses to “Order Placed =/”

  1. futurewise November 2, 2007 at 10:45 am #

    Wow! Congratulations! It is big step, and I imagine that I will behave exactly the same. The sweet anticipation of a child… Even if it IS deliberate! Good luck!

  2. twondra November 2, 2007 at 11:06 am #

    It’s sooo awesome placing that first order! All your feelings are completely natural! I remember feeling that way too. It gets easier. Each month I realize how bad I want this and that our desire is sooo strong that it’s just gotta happen. Personally, I think you should mix DHs swimmers with the donor. If we could’ve done that, we would’ve. That way, you’ll never know for sure who is the “biological” father….although your DH will ALWAYS be the daddy. BUT, you have to do what feels right to you. Good luck! Let us know for sure when you start inseminating!!

  3. Trace November 2, 2007 at 12:40 pm #

    I felt that way too when we began the process. More than anything I was petrified that I would learn that I have fertility problems too. The doctor did extensive testing and luckily it doesn’t look like I do.

    At first I was THRILLED and my husband was pretty excited too. When we left the doctors office I remember him saying that we would be NORMAL, no one would have to know (to be decided, LOL).

    The insemination doesn’t hurt at all. Did you guys try to pick a guy that has the same physical traits as your husband (eye color, weight, height, etc.)? We did make love after the insemination because he wanted to make sure we would have ‘doubts’.

    Hubby will be able to bond. He bonded with the foster child you were considering adopting right? It’s the same sort of thing. I think of this as a partial adoption, but my husband will be the man on the birth certificate.

    Oh, it’s one vial per insemination so if you want to continue using this donor maybe you could put some vials on hold at the bank. We chose an anonymous donor too. Not because we were against an open donor, but because none of the open donors had similar physical traits as my husband. It was very important to him that the guys be very smart.

    My insemination should be next week or the following week. Monday is day 14. Last month I ovulated on Day 21. Since we knew we had male infertility from the beginning I never bothered to keep track. This who figuring out my cycle thing is a challenge 🙂

  4. JJ November 5, 2007 at 9:42 pm #

    What a big step…I am humbled by it. We arent even close to that decision yet, but I know its looming. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings! I cant wait to read about these next steps!

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