So, it comes down to this…

3 Oct

Do we go with using a known donor (which is what we have been leaning towards) or use an over-priced impersonal sperm bank?

I really don’t know what to do. We do not have anyone jumping up and down volunteering do be our donor. Hubby has a brother, and he did sort of mention to him what was going on and asked if he would consider donating, but he sort of said he thought he would be willing and then never brought it up again. Bottom line on that one is; we think he is uncomfortable with the situation and – hey- who could blame him, right? So that one is out.

I then started looking into sperm banks and was very IRRITATED to discover that 99% of them do not offer photos of the donors at all. People seeking egg donors get all sorts of pictures, what’s up with the double standard there?? Anyhow the sperm bank idea boiled down to either really expensive with pics : around $500/vial + $200/shipping + set up fees, whatever my doctor charges, etc = somewhere in the neighborhood of $1,500 PER MONTH! Or no pics for about $200/vial + $200 shipping & no Dr required = $400/month.

I cannot imagine doing this with no idea what the person looks like what so ever. Maybe I am just weird, but I just don’t think I could do it! Yes, they give you very basic information (eye color, ancestry, likes/dislikes, etc) but several times I found donors who I thought that I really liked based on those types of criteria and then when I saw their picture or heared an audio interview with them they either turned out to be magnificently stupid or ugly beyond belief.

The final option is that I found a web group for meeting donors. As in, you actually get to meet them (at least email them) and get to know them a bit. The problem with THIS route is that a) you are not protected if the donor one day decides that he wants custody and b) you are left wide open for being exposed to STDs. We would have our donor screened for HIV/AIDS and so on, and I obviously would not be having relationswith them, but there is no way to ensure that the donor has not contracted anything between the time of the screening and the time of the donation. My husband and I did find a donor via this route who we both like a lot…we are even planning on meeting him after the holidays…but I have this whole “it’s too good to be true” vibe. The price is right (we just have to pay for the donor’s medical screening and shipping of the samples), the donor is awesome, we get to meet him….I totally have the “its too good to be true” vibe here. I just know something bad would happen. ::sigh::

Conclusion? All of our options SUCK!

Some days it makes me so mad I just want to scream. I honestly feel that it is cruel beyond measure that infertility is not covered by health insurance (at least its not required in my state and the non profit I work for cannot afford to provide it). They will cover Viagra and abortions…but not IVF. Go effin figure.

So, do I finance my butt off to get the sperm banks that have pics, risk a custody battle and an STD, or carry a child for nine months with no idea what they might look like or what their personality might be like? Oh, the joys of infertility never end.

I need advice.

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2 Responses to “So, it comes down to this…”

  1. Trace October 3, 2007 at 4:53 pm #

    There is the sperm bank open donor option which means that your donor is willing to meet your child when he/she is 18. Different donors have different options. Some have a baby picture, an oral interview, and there is a full medical history that goes back 3 generations & a personality test. I wanted an open donor, but in the end I let my husband be the main selecter and I liked the guy he selected. I ordered 8 vials of the stuff and it was 2000.00 (I’m rounding, I don’t remember down to the cent). I put it on my credit card and yes it is the most I have ever charged, but it won’t take too long to pay off. Assuming your fertility stuff looks good, the actual insemination isn’t that expensive (a couple hundred dollars). The fertility drugs are pricey if your insurance doesn’t cover them (mine doesn’t), but you can try w/no drugs if you want. My insurance covered all the testing to determine my ferility status. So, when all is said and done, assuming that I don’t have to go beyond inseminations, it shouldn’t be too much. Far less than private domestic adoption or international adoption. You are a SW so you know that foster adoption is significantly less.

    My best friends husband offered to be our donor, but in the end we decided that it would be too weird. Not just for my husband, but what happens as the child ages? What if she and her husband didn’t agree with our parenting technique and that sort of thing. So in the end we decided not to take that route.

    If my husband had had a brother or a cousin we would have asked him, but no such luck. I did ask my brother his opinion and he said if he was asked, even by a family member, he didn’t know what he would say, but he thought no.

    Good luck with your decision making. It’s a lot to think about and in all honesty this is our last resort because of the risk to my health.

  2. futurewise October 4, 2007 at 10:05 am #

    Yep, it’s a hard decision. But if you linger too long, you will lose some precious time… It’s weird to ask anybody to be a donor and it’s not an option to us. Good luck with the decision (what ever you decide).

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