#$%&!

I know how horrible this is going to sound, but I am so FREAKING miserable I don’t know what to do anymore. I am on the verge of losing it.

I am in so much pain in my hips and ribs that I can’t sleep at night and I can hardly move during the day. I am not sure what’s going on because my elbow is also killing me and I have a lump (cyst?) under the skin there. My ribs on that same side hurt SO badly in two places that if I roll over onto that side in my sleep I wake up screaming in pain. This has just happened in the past two days or so. It hurts so badly that I don’t even want to eat…all I want to do is curl up in a ball on a heating pad. I’m guessing its the baby up in my ribs, but I don’t know because of the elbow thing.

Plus, every time I move (bend, squat, walk more than a few steps, get up, sit down, lean, etc) I have a contraction. They last about one minute and hurt like hell.

All this boils down to the fact that I am having a REALLY hard time taking care of the girls by myself. I keep them in a huge play yard during the day when they are up with all of their toys. I know they get bored, but I have a really hard time carrying them even down the hall to bed. I”m so scared of having a bad contraction while I am holding one of them and the whole hallway is tile.

Evy is a very strong, very energetic child. She busts out of the play yard, fights diaper changes, wiggles in your arms, escapes from the high chair…parenting her is VERY physical and the whole time I am doing it I am having contractions.

This is why I stayed at work for so long, its actually easier on me and safer for the girls for my mom to be taking care of them at this point.

BUT, my mom just found out that her step-father has a spot on his liver and so she is going up to stay with him for the rest of the week – starting tomorrow. F*CK!

Now I don’t even have back up.

I don’t hav any friends or family around here who don’t work to help me and Alex HAS to work because he is the only one making any money right now.

On Friday I have a doctors appointment. I will be 37.5 weeks. I really don’t think I should miss it – particularly because I have been so miserable – but I can’t go. Alex has work (he doesn’t get paid time off) and the hospital I go to does not allow anyone who doesn’t have an appointment or visitors under 18 due to h1n1. Besides, I couldn’t get them into and out of the car, wrestle them in the dr’s office, get the double stroller in and out, etc. I would be on the floor dying.

The OBGYN clinic is very busy so I doubt they will be able to get me in again until MAYBE the end of next week (38.5 weeks).

Did I mention that I’m also only measuring 35 weeks right now and that my doctor has been a bit concerned about IUGR? She says she doesn’t suspect anything YET, but she’s keeping an eye on it.

Or would be.

If I could go in.

Damn it. I don’t even know why I’m blogging this.

To vent I guess.

Nothing I can do about it.

But I HATE this! I hate it. I want to cry, but what good would that do?

Do I have Hubby stay home with the girls and give up money that we desperately need to FEED them with (ok, that’s a bit dramatic. Bills would not get paid, but the girls will always be fed.)? Or take them with me? Or just skip the appointment and keep up on my kick counts?

What would you do?

Kindness

I have to post a quick blog about how much I appreciate all of you.

I would have never believed, at the beginning of this journey, how good of friends people could be when they have never even met face to face.

I have had people send me preemie hats when my girls were in the NICU. I have had people call and email to check on me while Lennon was having surgery on her skull. I have had people email to check on me as I struggle through this unplanned (but very appreciated) pregnancy with Nolan. And, most recently, one very kind soul even sent me her new breast pump when she read on my blog that the one I had bought to use for Nolan smelled strange. I mean, a really NICE (like, REALLY nice) breast pump! Um, yeah. And a bunch of adorable baby-boy clothes.

How freaking awesome is that?

From someone who doesn’t know me, or my family, from Adam.

I am amazed, and grateful, and I may just have to abandon my affinity for misanthropy.

So thank you – you know who you are.

And thank you to all of you who have been there over the years with a comment, an email, etc. It means so much to me, more than you know.

Ding, Ding, Ding!

As of today, Nolan is OFFICIALLY full term!

If you are looking at my ticker, I set those based on the date I think that I conceived, not on the date that my doctors have given me via ultrasound (which have been very consistent). Though, honestly, I think my dates are still probably correct since we only had sex twice that month – lol.

But just for fun (and peace of mind) I am going with today as the day I no longer have to worry about having a preemie.

(I also know that some doctors say 37 weeks is full term, but mine said 36 – well actually she said 35 – so I’m going with 36.)

Anyhoo…now the old infertile worry wart in me emerges once again (was she ever really gone?) and I am worried about him staying in there TOO long.

I’m worried that if he gets too big that something will go wrong with my VBAC (not that I’m worried about having another cesarean, I’m all about getting him here safe…I’m worried about a rupture and him being put in danger).

I”m worried about that darn cord being around his neck.

And I’m worried because the way it was explained to me is that that quad screen test picked up SOMETHING (some hormone level or levels were NOT what they should be, and there is some reason for that). I was told that many women who have high false positives go on to have preemies and/or placental abruptions.

Evelynn’s placenta was partially abrupted, leading to an emergency c-section and my 30 weeker twins.

At the beginning of this pregnancy I had a subchorionic hemorrhage – a small placental abruption.

Can you see how I’m getting myself worked up here?

So now I want him out. Out safe. I hate him being in there where I can’t protect him from something as simple as his own umbilical cord.

I know the best place for the baby is in the womb until 40 weeks…but I don’t trust my uterus. I’m a paranoid freak…I know. But unfortunately, my fears are generally well founded.

Amnio Results! (for real this time)

They finally called this morning. They did not find any sings of trisomy 21 or anything else of concern and he is 100% boy!!

I was so sure that we were having a DS baby that this hasn’t sunk in completely just yet.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t relieved. I have worked with DS children for YEARS, and (in general) they are very lovable kids. If I didn’t have so much on my plate already I would be honored to be the mommy of a Down’s Syndrome child. However, with everything else on our plates right now I honestly think I just might have lost my mind. =(

Amnio Results:

Oh.

Did you think that I would have those by now?

Yeah. Me too.

Effing hell!

So I called on Tuesday (14 days post amnio, the very LATEST they told us that the results would be available) and they told me to call back on Thursday because that was the earliest that they would be in. So I called this morning and I was told that they needed a few more days, possibly not until early next week.

What’s that sound you ask?

Oh, that’s just me SCREAMING and tearing my hair out.

So apparently because there was blood in the samples (lots of blood by the way, and that is supposedly very rare…though I wasn’t a bit surprised that it happened to me because I have an anterior placenta). Well, I guess it’s Nolan’s placenta, technically, not mine.

ANYHOW, they did say that they have done some checking and have not found any trisomy 21 (nor anything else of concern) YET, but that because there is so many of MY cells (aka, the blood) in the sample, that they need to do a whole lot more checking before they can say for sure that Nolan does not have Down’s Syndrome.

What’s really, REALLY irritating Hubby and I is that we now have our hopes up. ::sigh::

Meanwhile, Hubby had his first pre-transplant appointment yesterday. Apparently the doctors were quite shocked that he was able to conceive a child naturally since men with kidney failure on dialysis are usually infertile. YEAH buddy…no one was more surprised that us! LOL

But I hadn’t really ever thought of that aspect of it before, and that made me fall in love with Nolan just a little bit more.

Nolan Prep

I have been asking Hubby for weeks to please get a dresser out of storage and to rearrange furniture to make a spot for Nolan. Every weekend it was one excuse or another.

Well this morning, after Nolan almost making a grand entrance TWICE in the past few days…Hubby was a nursery prepping maniac. In fact, the whole house seemed to be in nesting mode (my parents started cleaning out closets and Hubby’s parents even stopped by to help him get things out of storage).

I, of course, spent most of the day in a chair with my feet up drinking as much water as humanly possible and trying to keep contractions at bay. Didn’t work. As evening wears on they are back and becoming annoying again – but no where near rhythmic (of course). The L&D paperwork says to come in anytime you have more than 6 per hour for two hours…that is defiantly happening. But we’ve decided not to go in this time until a) they become and stay about 5 min apart, or b) I’m in more pain than I can stand.

So we are going to watch a movie and then try to get some sleep and see what happens this time.

For now, I leave you with Noaln’s pad:

 

It was particularly cute that Hubby made sure to set up a place for me to pump. =) Notice the chair and nursing cover?

Diagnosis:

False labor!

Basically that means I’m having contractions (sometimes really nasty mean ones) but because they don’t come rhythmically and they don’t progress (closer together, longer, stronger, etc) that they really are not causing cervical changes or doing anything to get Nolan out.

For most of last evening I was in utter misery. My contractions were getting so bad that I could no longer talk though them and I was seeing “white” each time one hit (KWIM?). However, they were still not rhythmic (8 min, 5 min, 4 min, 12 min, etc for a few hours, then nothing for an hour or two).

Around ten I decided to try and get some sleep. I figured if it they continued while I was holding still (sleeping) and/or woke me up that it was time to go in. And they did. So I did (at about 2am).

Same thing when we got there…STRONG contractions but not rythmic. They checked me and I was exactly the same as I was a few days ago! 1 cm dilated, 40% effaced (which is not much) and the baby at -2.

They kept me for a few hours and gave me some blood pressure medication which they use to stop contractions along with a shot for the pain (did nothing for the pain, but the contractions did finally stop after a few hours). I wish I could remember the name of the medication, it was something with a P…?

Anyhow, once I had no contractions for 45 minutes they sent me home.  Again.

They also checked me again before I left and nothing had changed. They told me that this was false labor and that it could go on like this for weeks before I ACTUALLY go into labor and deliver.

So, this sucks.

And I am not half the gangster that I thought I was because this effing HURTS! It’s not unbearable pain, but the thought of it going on and on for weeks makes me want to cry.

Still here. Still pregnant.

 Gotta love middle of the night, barely coherent, hormone driven, drugged up, enraged posts by yours truely…yes?

So this morning I woke up to blood soaking through my jammie bottoms. Blood with small clots.  Not a large amount, but enough to soak the “crotch” area and then run down my leg later after bathing. I think maybe it was my mucus plug later on because it was mucousy and stringy. Yuck. (TMI, sorry). I think it’s stopping now though.

I did try to call my doctor, but the hospital I am using this time around is 7th Day Adventist and they shut down the medical offices (not the hospital) at noon on Fridays for sabbath. So, I tried calling at 10 and waited on hold for forever before giving up.

I have intense pain in my lower belly near my incision from my cescaren…I think that’s because I have a cough though. And I have been having what feel to ME like contractions sporadically all day. They start with a back ache (kinda like period cramps, but in the back) and then wrap around the front and squeeze…and hurt like hell…and make it feel like my pelvis is being ripped in two. Kinda like what I felt with the girls, but worse (my back never hurt with them). What makes me think they may NOT be contractions is that my whole stomach does get hard every time…only part of my stomach usually…if that makes any sense. Also, they are not rhythmic. Well, at least they never STAY rythmic for long.

A lot of the time it feels like I ate something bad and am having tummy issues. In fact, I have been having some tummy issues…(diarrhea, more TMI, SORRY!).

This morning I tried to get out of work but wasn’t able to so I ended up running around town for a bit. That actually went fine…but as the evening wears on I am increasingly miserable. I will go through periods where the contractions come semi rhythmically but it always goes away after an hour or two, for an hour or two and then comes back. ::sigh::

I REALLY wish he would stay in there for another week and a half. Babies born at 34 weeks often have to spend at least a week or two in the NICU (not always though). I HATE the idea of having another baby in the NICU!

Well…maybe what I’m feeling is just a stomach bug. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Preterm Labor…No Biggie (apparently)

This morning I woke up feeling a lot of pressure and some cramping in my back. I’ve felt this before. And called. And was told that it was normal. So I didn’t go in.

At my next OB appointment my doctor scolded me for not going in for that and told me if I felt it again to go to L & D right away.

So today I debated.

And debated.

And went to work.

Because every time I go to L & D (for the girls), it turns out to be NOTHING.

I a few contractions all day, but nothing rhythmic…the wierdest thing was this strange achiness in my back that I’ve never felt before.

My last appointment at work cancelled on me, and my next to last appointment was pretty close to my hospital (which is no where near my house). By then I was having some really painful…well…whatever they were. I can’t call them contractions because I have no idea what the f*ck a contraction is or is not…apparently. Anyhow, I was having trouble not driving off the road.

So I got there, and long story short, they said I was contracting twice every ten minutes (does that mean every five minutes?!), that I was 40% effaced, 1 cm dilated, and that the baby was at -2 station.

They gave me a shot of terbutiline.

It calmed things down for a little while (an hour, maybe) then the contractions came back.

So they gave me another shot.

I sat there for an hour, had a few contractions, nothing rhythmic or as painful as before.

They checked me, no changes.

So they sent me home.

An hour after the second shot.

Yes, I’ve had a few contractions (pressure is gone), nothing rhythmic.

I asked for steroid shots for Nono’s lungs…they said that he’s far enough along that that’s not nessecery.

So what the F*CKING hell was THAT!?

Either he’s mature enough to come, or he’s not.

Either I”m in labor, or I’m not.

I am pissed beyond WORDS right now.

Would it really have hurt to have observed me for a FEW more hours?! Did they read my history at ALL!? Why would the second shot continue to work for more than an hour if the first did not? Or how about; why would it work on me when it didn’t work during my LAST pregnancy!?

Oh, and after the cervical check? Yeah. I bleed. A lot. As in, not spotting…but blood. (It stopped, but STILL!)

History of preterm labor, placental abruption tocolytic drugs not working….ummmm…hellllo?

Oh, and they said nothing about going off work, bed rest…nada.

So I know. I *know* I’ll end up in active labor again, at least within the next few days…if not tonight. What a freaking waste of time.

I’m not going back to that place until, pfffft, I don’t know when. Unless my water obviously breaks how will I ever be sure I’m *really* in labor?

*PISSED*

I’m in the Two Week Wait

I’m going to give a very blunt account of what it was like. I couldn’t find many “experience” stories going in, and knowing what to expect would have *really* helped.

The first thing did was a quick ultrasound to check the baby’s positions and to locate a good pocket of fluid. Once the doctor has chosen a spot he hands the ultrasound wand to a nurse to hold and everyone puts on sterile gloves. The area is rubbed with betadine (some doctors wash with soap). Most doctors do not give a topical numbing agent, mine did, but I think it was silly…lidocaine doesn’t work on me so it was just an extra poke for no real reason.

Anyhow, they gave the lidocaine shot and then used a long, thing needle to insert a catheter into the fluid pocket. In my case the baby had moved and they had to spend some time pushing him back out of the way before they could insert the needle. None of this really hurt much, just a pinch. I was told that it would cramp and burn…I felt none of that…just pinching.

Then the doctor took about 20 minutes (NO FREAKING JOKE!) digging around with the catheter and sucking out 3(!?) vials of fluid. Blood tinged fluid, I might add.

This was what made it a horrible experience for me. It just felt WRONG, like a finger in your eye…or like having a catheter in your bladder…I just wanted it OVER and it went on, and on, and oooooonnnn.

Afterwards they asked me to take it easy for 24 hours (honestly, I didn’t because I felt 100% fine, I rested, but I mostly just listened to my body).

I had one big contraction in the car on the way home and was “sore” all day (only because I had tensed up so much from being nervous I think). And when I went potty at home I did leak a teeeeny bit of fluid after, just once. Other than that, no issues. Not even any soreness where they went in, I have no idea where the spot was because they went through a stretch mark and I can’t see it! Ha.

I have to say though, that it was AWFUL and I would never do it again if I didn’t absolutely have to.

The waiting is horrible too. I asked for a Fish (rapid result), but the doctor said he couldn’t justify it. Grr. I bet if it was HIS child he could justify it!

I’m having good days and bad days. Over all, I *know* we are supposed to have this child no matter what. The circumstances surrounding this (four years of IF, IVF which BARELY resulted in any embryos, and then BAM!) are just too much for it to not be considered fate. But I have “why me” moments all the time.

My biggest issue(s), honestly, are not the fact that he will be handicapped or that he will look “different”. My issues are the fact that I was REALLY looking forward to breast feeding this time (DS babies are VERY difficult to BF), and the health issues. Dear Lord, I don’t know how I will handle more sick babies.

One day at a time. Right?

And so we wait. Two weeks. ::sigh::